Before The Big Step: 6 Unexpected Questions You MUST Ask Your Partner

by Sejal Parikh · October 9, 2015

So, you have discussed what kind of wedding you want, what your dream home would look like, how many kids you are going to have, how you’d raise them, whether you want a TV in the bedroom, maybe even how you’d deal with an unplanned pregnancy or infertility- but do you realize that in driving that far, you sped past some crucial questions to ask your partner before you take that next big step?

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I know, I know- you thought, you had it all covered- from money to families to parents to parenting and even career and romance- but you did, unknowingly, drop the ball on some of the most important questions to ask your partner even before you put ‘the talk’ about the must-discuss- before-marriage items on your radar. No, no- don’t feel bad- we don’t blame you- these are some of the most unexpected questions to ask your partner and it is no fault of yours you couldn’t think of ’em.

So, don’t beat yourself over it- just sit back and read on to find what marriage experts feel about the oft-forgotten (but extremely important) questions to ask your partner before you take the next big step:

1. How do you react to anger, grief, conflict, fights, hurt, and stress?

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You may think you know a person inside out- but it is the extenuating circumstances that really draw one out. If you haven’t quite seen your partner angry, then you may do well to pop this very important one NOW. Coz honey, a lifetime is a long time to get angry, and that he will. So ask your partner if he is the kind who needs to talk it out or be given alone downtime to mull over it- and if it doesn’t sync with your coping pattern- how you’d handle it. Ditto for conflicts, fights, stress and all their kin.

2. Can we grow into an appreciation of our love languages, even as they differ?

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If you haven’t heard of Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages, then you gotta pick your copy now. It is true that we have our own unique ways of expressing love and it might not necessarily be in the same language that our partner knows. Learning to accept and appreciate the methods in which your partner expresses his love for you, even if it isn’t the way you know to, is crucial to building a strong and healthy relationship.

3. What happens when our core beliefs clash?

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This isn’t as abstract as you think it is- for your ideologies will have a major impact on ‘tangible’ elements of your life together. So, go on and ask your partner what his philosophy in life is, what his values are, what basic tenet do they live by- in short, what their life ethos is like… will it align well with yours’? And if not, would there be an implosion or can you people find a mid-way? More importantly, will you be happy settling on that midpath together for all your lives when you have spent half of it, living by the rules of another universe? Trust me, it is important.

4. What would you be willing to give up (or not)?

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This isn’t as negative as it looks and is really, really important. What’d you do if one of you gets offered an incredible career opportunity somewhere far off, when you’d both formerly agreed to stay close to your families? What happens when an emergency calls for a pooling in of time, effort and resources? Would you be willing to let go of some commitment or rearrange your schedule when your partner feels that you are working wonky hours and not giving her time? While some of these might not seem too big a deal now, do not make the mistake of dismissing them as trivial and insignificant.

5. How do we face a breach of trust?

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From an intrusion of privacy like snooping through texts to a crime like infidelity- are you equipped to deal with it? THINK and then, THINK again!

6. Do you understand that love, alone, is never enough?

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This is a question both of you should be able to answer as honestly as possible. As much as we’d like to believe that love can conquer all, that strength to keep a relationship thriving on healthy and happy ground does not emanate from love alone. Are you friends? Teammates? Playmates? Confidantes? Guides? Allies? Can you have fun eating lunch at the same dinner table sharing stories about your day for the 5467^th time? Can you have fun while buying a crib, painting a room or even joking about each other? The only thing to remember here is- if it is hard now, it won’t get any easier later. Be careful where you tread- for stepping into marriage magnifies anything- so be sure that you have loads besides love- like trust, compassion, friendship, unconditional support and the feeling of home- to amplify!

You are welcome.

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