The role of a father figure is always undermined because it is the mother who brings the child into the world. The mother is the one who literally rears and nurtures the child. On the other hand, in a patriarchal society, the father protects and educates the child about the nasty ways of the world. A girl who has never had a male figure in her life to look out for her or has had a strained relationship with her father, is often affected somehow. The collateral damage that is inflicted on her psyche may take the shape of bad decisions, attraction towards older men, and general distrust in males. This is what is referred to as ‘daddy issues’.
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‘Daddy issues’ is rather misleading a term to refer to what is wrong with a person. We all are creatures of consequences. We become the person that we are because of everything that happens to us. During the journey, a part of us is left behind and we never realize how the entirety of our minds slowly disintegrates into bits and pieces. What stays with us is who we remain as. Even the person who seems perfect on the outside has gone through phases that were not that easy. Whether someone descends into a low point in her life because she is a girl with daddy issues or because of all the other unpleasant experiences that she has gone through in life cannot be determined for sure. However, it’s nice to be nice to people regardless of what they have gone through.
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People tend to fixate on what exactly happened to a person whenever they deal with someone who hasn’t had a healthy childhood or adolescent period. But don’t we all go through things that leave deep-seated scars? Does the nitty-gritty really matter that much? To look out for a person and deal with them with love and care when they are emotionally raw and vulnerable is not something that has to be thought about.
People often discuss childhood trauma and tragedies in a tone that implies that a girl with daddy issues, for example, will display some symptoms as if it’s a disorder that everyone around them should be aware of. More often than not, relationships are more than simply having a good time. When a person is close enough to you to disclose what troubles them or their deepest fears or why they have a problem trusting people, is not the point where you raise your hands saying you did not sign up for this and turn your back on them. You reach out, help them get on their feet, and be there for them in any way you can.
The thing is, sometimes we say the wrong things and after that, even if we want to help them, they retreat from us. If there’s one thing people hate then that is being treated sympathetically as if they are some kind of freaks. So these are some of the things to bear in mind when you’re in a relationship with a woman you love who can’t love herself.
1. Keep your promises.
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As a woman who has been let down by the most significant man in her life, it will not be easy for her to place her faith in men. To earn her trust, you have to make sure that she knows that your words aren’t empty when you say things like you will be there for her. Despite everything that happened between her and her father, she needs a man in her life that she can rely upon emotionally. You’ll make her the happiest if you keep your word. Actions are louder than words, after all.
2. Be a good listener.
What she does not need is advice from people on how to deal with life. What would benefit her more is being able to express her insecurities and uncertainties out loud. She has obviously felt shut out all her life and now she has the tendency to shut out others. The more you listen to her, the better you will know how her mind works, what the things that comfort her are, and what triggers the deep-seated depression within her. Most of her questions will probably be rhetorical; every person out there wants to be heard. (Not every YouTube comment gets read. People just like their opinions to be out there.)
3. Don’t judge her.
When a person opens up to you, you try to understand their perspective, not judge them for how they reacted or behaved. Every person has a different outlook, each one with an altered frame of mind. Don’t try to fit in their shoes; you’re not standing where they were at that point. To trivialize their qualms or dismiss them as ubiquitous is the worst thing you can do.
4. Help her get over her insecurities.
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When women have led troubled lives, they tend to internalize their sorrow and hatred. You need to help her get out of that pool of self-loathing that she stays submerged in, and make her realize that she is a strong person who is capable of withstanding this and a lot more. Staying strong can sometimes be a choice. Tell her to not undervalue herself, that she deserves the best, and should never settle for anything less.
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5. Don’t budge when she pushes you away.
Of course, you have to respect her choices, but think of this more as a friend to her. She will tend to isolate herself or push you away because she is used to feeling misunderstood. She does not want to subject you to the anguish that she has been through. She obviously fears that once she opens up and pours out, she won’t be able to hold herself together and that you might not want to be a witness to her vulnerability. Stay through the storm and help her confront her demons. She will let you in her life with arms wide open.
6. She will have a tendency to please you.
When a person does not have proper guidance while growing up, it’s difficult to be self-possessed. A girl with daddy issues has faced neglect at some point that sub-consciously may make her think that she is not good enough or have low self-esteem. She will often sexually exhibit this mindset by being too aggressive or submissive to get into your good books. She will be open to pleasing you, but has a real problem with letting you be intimate with her. Let her know that her opinions and satisfaction count as much as yours do.
7. She will blow hot and cold.
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As she has trust issues, she will struggle to be unswerving in her attitude. Sometimes she will be cold and will test your loyalty and commitment to her; other times, she will crave for your love and attention. If you truly love her, tolerate the switching of dispositions for the initial duration of your relationship, which is bound to be rocky.
8. She will have an inclination towards dating older men.
There is a psychological theory known as the Electra Complex that is observed in girls at the tender age of 3-5. This is when a girl displays a form of psychosexual competition with her mother for the possession of her father. Though this has little to do with a woman having a penchant for older men, the Electra Complex reveals itself as the tendency to acquire attention from older men to recompense for the deficiency of her father’s concern and/or presence in her life. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a psychological state of mind. On the contrary, it could be a normal liking too.
9. She can get defensive.
It will obviously not be easy for her to admit the glitch. If you actually voice her issues out loud, she, in most probability, will fight back or regard you skeptically. If she sees that there may be a possibility of you abandoning her, she will cut you off before you can. Don’t let it inhibit your efforts to help her out of her state of denial.
10. Contradiction and irregularity will distress her.
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She will see it as a pattern and spiral into despair because she will try to predict the upcoming chain of events. In order to win her trust, you need to keep up with her feelings and stay present – in every sense of the word. What might have been an honest mistake could lead to her shutting you out.
11. She will not be super excited about you meeting her mother or meeting yours.
A girl with clear daddy issues has obviously not only been influenced by the neglect she faced from her father, but also the incapability of her mother to compensate for her father’s absence. Hence, she will not be on the best terms with her. It would probably be better to meet her mother after things between them has reached a more healthy point.
As for your mother, she will be daunted because of the attachment you feel towards another woman; albeit, a different one. As a woman who yearns for your attention, it will be hard for her. However, don’t let it get to you or her.
12. She will have a trouble accepting any of your close female friends.
It may not be because she’s jealous or paranoid. Her trust issues belong to a different category. However, this is a woman who hungers for your attention and so, she might be a little difficult about it. You will need to reassure your love for her.
13. When you’re not there for her, she will turn to other men (assuming that she is heterosexual).
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This holds true for any relationship, really. It’s not that she wants to cheat or be spiteful but if she doesn’t receive her fill of ardor, she will move on to others with you not there to provide what she wants.
14. She needs a man who will restore her faith in humanity.
It’s not just neglect that a girl dealing with daddy issues might have faced. There are women who have been bullied, shamed, abused, molested, even raped by their fathers or the father figures in their lives. Of course, that means that they’ve gone through much more serious tragedy because they are all survivors of crimes against them. One cannot blame her for not trusting, even hating men after what she has gone through. You need to be that man in her life that she needed at that point. Treat her kindly, respect her, understand where she’s coming from, and above all, make her feel safe and comfortable around you. You can’t help her get over her trauma without trying to heal the wounds on her psyche.
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15. Be patient.
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It will be increasingly frustrating to love her in spite of everything. It’s tough to be the one that watches over others, but it’s equally rewarding. Imagine how much of a positive impact you will have on her when you re-affirm her belief in the universe, when you make her feel more whole than she has ever felt.
Dating a woman with daddy issues will not be any different from dating any woman; except for the fact that the reasons for her issues are different. It may sound taxing but it will be more rewarding to love someone who you help out. They will reciprocate your love when they see the humanity glimmer in you. You might not actually end up being with her, but the thing about being a wonderful person is that you always win.
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