It was a summer evening and I had come back from work slightly earlier than my usual time. Spark, our Golden Retriever, came running and licked my face like he always did. I poured myself a cup of coffee, grabbed my cellphone and texted:
“Hey, I’m home early today. Wanna catch up for dinner & drinks?”
There was no response. So, I got back to my coffee and picked up my half-finished novel. The next time I raised my eyes from the book, it was already 9 pm. There was still no reply and he was almost an hour late! This time I dialed his number.
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No answer.
I began to panic and dialed again. After a few rings he answered in a very agitated voice.
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“Listen, I’m in a meeting, don’t wait up. I’ll be home late,” he almost snapped.
“What about dinner?” I asked with concern in my voice.
“I’ll eat something outside, don’t worry about it.” He hung up before I could say, “Okay.”
This was the first time.
Spark and I ate in silence. I took him out for a walk after we had finished eating.
What meeting was this? He had never really mentioned anything, but I guess things could have developed during the day and he must have forgotten to inform me.
Sometime around midnight, I heard his footsteps and he came and slept next to me after washing up.
The next morning, as I was getting ready for work I noticed a restaurant bill that was peeking out from the trousers he had worn last night, which was now lying on a chair. Seemed like it was a meal for two! He was still asleep and looked so peaceful, that I didn’t have the heart to wake him up to question him about a silly dinner bill. I left his breakfast on the kitchen counter, kissed Spark a goodbye, and drove off.
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This continued over the next few months. This routine of him coming home late with absolutely no explanation whatsoever. On one occasion, he told me that their firm was expanding and all these late nights were dinners with prospective “investors.” He had to put in “additional” effort to impress them. He was even gone during weekends.
I believed him, I always did, until something happened.
One Sunday, as I was shopping (alone!) for groceries at the supermarket, I bumped into a guy who reported directly to my husband. After exchanging brief pleasantries, I casually remarked, “So, the last few months must have been taxing for you too right? With all the meetings with the investors?”
He looked at me with an expressionless face, like he had no clue about what I was talking and then just said, “Hmmm, yea…h?” like he wasn’t too sure.
I immediately added, “Have you also been working on the weekends? And late nights?”
Now his expression changed and he seemed puzzled. This time he said “Weekends? No, not at all. Why do you ask?”
Without hesitating further, I blatantly asked him, “Has George been working too much these days? He seems stressed out.”
What he told me next, not only left my questions unanswered, but also choked me to an extent that I wished the earth opened up and swallowed me right in.
“Actually George hasn’t been coming to the office the last few days. I haven’t seen him in over a week now. He said he was down with a viral infection. Is he all right now?”
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I left my cart in a corner that was filled with unbilled items and walked to my car. Tears flooded my eyes and I didn’t know what hit me. I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes to compose myself, and then drove home as fast as I could. I needed answers, NOW.
He wasn’t home.
I called his cellphone and when he didn’t pick up, I knew my doubts about him were true. The next week, I took a few days off from work. One morning, I left home on the pretext of going to work but waited on the end of our street. I wanted to follow him and find out what he was up to. A few hours later a cab stopped in front of our house and a woman stepped out.
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She walked in. No, it couldn’t be. Several thoughts cluttered my mind like a messy house. I waited for a few more minutes before I barged inside and caught them red-handed!
I wasn’t sure how to react to it, if I should have been angry, hurt or just disappointed. It was over for me. He began apologizing repeatedly and begged for forgiveness. I packed my things and went over to my sister’s the next day. I stayed there for a few days until I cleared my mind and had arrived at a decision. I didn’t know how to get over being cheated on; I was numb, yet grieving from within.
It’s strenuous getting over being cheated on. You often wonder if your heart is in the right place for feeling hatred for the person who deceived you. It was plain hatred in the beginning; I couldn’t bear to even look at his face the next couple of days. He had let me down on so many levels, I didn’t even want to contemplate.
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The days ahead were anything but easy. Getting over infidelity all by yourself is a tough task; it drains you out mentally, and for me, it led to depression too. At the end of one year, I was separated from him, and I realized I could have dealt with it a little differently than what I did. So here are a few things I did, and some others, I wish I had.
1. Take a short break
I don’t mean you must pack your bags and go to Vegas! I mean, stay away from the person for a few days. I stayed with my sister until I had clarity in thought. When you are caught off guard, your reaction to the situation can sometimes be destructive too. Yes, I did break a few things in the house when I had first heard, but I think what really helped was those three days I spent with my sister. There were phases of anger, hate, despair, and then resignation. Once I reached resignation, I knew the only logical thing to do was a separation. I didn’t change my mind after that.
2. Stop listening to unsolicited advice
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Getting past infidelity is hard as it is, but when word gets out, you are overwhelmed with unsolicited advice. In my case, it came from my mother’s friends, a few neighbors, and also some colleagues. Stop engaging them. This is your life – do what you think is right. It’s hard to avoid these people, but then, don’t get influenced with everything they say.
3. Get it all out
You need that one session with the person that betrayed you, that will show them your worst. I did that too; as soon as I saw them together, I started breaking a anything I could get my hands on. A vase, some glasses, and also a photo frame! I couldn’t have kept calm knowing that my husband had been with another woman behind my back. That too, in our own home! I had to get it all out. So when I spoke, I also said a lot of hurtful things to him, which I am not sorry for. It felt great after that one hour of only me yelling at him. (I’m sure, that’s how the neighbors got to know!)
4. Spend time with your pet
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Spark was only 4 months old, when we adopted him. He is my child, so when I was hurting, he sensed it. Pets can be therapeutic and can understand everything, especially dogs. I felt better when I had extended our little walks and spent more time with him. Animals are loving and adorable, and being in their company helps in healing. They’re loyal, they sense your mood, and give you the comfort you need.
5. Avoid hasty decisions
Yes, I was depressed and suicidal. I couldn’t imagine living a life without him. We had known each other for 6 years, and this is what it had come to. It was hard coming to terms with this truth, and I’m glad I didn’t hurt myself or do something stupid. I wasn’t going to hurt myself more and wanted to deal with this like an adult.
6. Don’t blame yourself
I had this phase too. I often thought if my love wasn’t enough for him that he had to seek it outside our marriage. If I had gotten too busy with my work or didn’t spike things up because we had been with each other for six long years. But, you’ll get over this phase too; always remember that there is no excuse for cheating. It was the end for me, and I couldn’t tolerate it.
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7. Seek professional help
Luckily for me, I had a strong support system via my family and friends. They often talked to me about different ways of how to get over being cheated on. Some had experienced something similar, and that had helped me immensely. But, if you aren’t that lucky, you must speak to a professional who will understand you and will guide you.
8. Divert your attention
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Though this didn’t help me entirely, but it helped me get over the time that we still had to live together until the separation. We lived in the same house, in different rooms. It was hell. But those few months had drained me of any motivation level that had ever existed in me. I took up many random things like baking classes, worked on my garden on weekends, and started kickboxing classes. I had channeled all the negativity into something constructive this way. So try it.
9. Retail therapy and other therapies
This might not be the ideal thing to do, but I did splurge on some luxury products and frequented high end spas. Helped me rejuvenate and feel good about myself.
10. Cry it out sometimes
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When I didn’t cry, I felt strong, but when I did, I felt lighter. So, cry your heart out. It feels great and you don’t have to feel ashamed. You have to allow yourself to grieve the loss you’ve endured. You are letting those weak emotions out of your body and trust me, that’s a good thing.
11. Talk about it with the offender
I didn’t do it for a long time, but one day I decided I needed closure. So, somewhere in-between when I was blaming myself and had begun to hate him, I asked him why he had done it. His answer did boil my blood, but it also gave me some closure and reinstated my faith that I was wrong in blaming myself.
12. Deciding to stay or not
This was the least difficult thing for me. I think when someone cheats, it shatters the trust you have in them. Everything is over in that moment, and there is no guarantee that the cheater won’t repeat it. Maybe once, just once, I thought I’d give him another chance. But my heart wouldn’t agree. So it was over for me, and arriving at that decision was easy.
13. Enjoy the single status
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My friends were already setting me up with other men and encouraged me to date again. While, I wasn’t allowed to date on the instructions of my divorce lawyer, I had begun to enjoy that single status again. Walking into a bar and being noticed without a ring on my finger – I quite liked it!
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14. Forgive only if you can
By the time we were officially separated, I had made peace with my ex-husband and what he’d done (that took almost a year). Things had changed for me; I did better at my work and had also gotten promoted. With all the good things coming my way, I had accepted this truth and was able to finally forgive him. But if you find yourself unable to do so, it’s okay. Everyone deals with such situations differently, and it’s OKAY. After all, you’re not obligated to forgive the cheater. It’s your decision alone.
It’s been about sometime since I’m divorced, and I have only one piece of advice on how to get over being cheated on – it’s called the gift of time. Give it time, and everything settles down by itself. You have to stay strong and believe that it’s not the end of the world.
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