I hate movie dates. You can either watch a movie or be on a date; I personally never understood how someone can do both! I guess the only time movie dates are a ‘good plan’ in my head are the times when I know it isn’t headed anywhere solid in the future or we are already way ahead in the aforementioned ‘future’ and can be comfy not talking for the two hours Ryan Gosling is being sexy onscreen that make my insides melt into gooey mush. In all other scenarios, movie dates are plain yuck!

Don’t believe me? Here’s what whirrs in my mind as soon as I sink into one of those plush chairs at the multiplex:

1. Can I get the combo meal- popcorn, nachos, burger, cola- everything?

Image source: Giphy

Hell, how can I when I’m pretending to have an appetite of a bird and not a dinosaur.

2. Is it just me or his leg is touching mine. A lot!

They should just have more leg room here. This knee-rubbing is more creepy than sexy (if at all that). No wait, does he think that is working? Oh God- who am I with!

3. He just doesn’t shut up with the comments huh!

God, I hate movie-talkers. Why can’t he just shut up and watch- he’ll know what happens next!

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4. Is it just me or he is trying to put his arm around my shoulder?

Image source: Giphy

God, these yawn-arm thing. Isn’t it like the oldest and not to forget, smelliest trick in the book? Either grow up or buy a deo!

5. Whoa! Look at his jaw drop at the sight of her legs. I’m sure he’s already making-out with her in his head.

Well- what do I care- he has done nothing to merit me making out with him until now!

6. F*ck, I shouldn’t have downed those cola cans. I really need to pee.

Can I tell him I have tb- or will that be too weird? What???? Tiny bladder, peeps!

7. He’s yawning! Does this mean he’s finding the movie boring or is it me?

Nah, it can’t be me- I am such great company! Ahh, well- outside of the movie, I am!

8. I am feeling soooooo cold. If he were to graze my arm, my goosebumps might just poke him!

Image source: Giphy

And uh oh- he might just think I have dry, rough skin! Damn you ACs!

9. Wow! That’s an intense sex scene. I wonder if he’s thinking about doing this with me.

Image source: Giphy

Or with that actress that claims his attention more than anything else on screen!

10. What he wants to make out now? God, guys are easy! I bet he was turned on by that!

But dude, you simply came in to ogle at the actress, I am actually watching the movie!

11. I wonder if he thinks I am as pretty as the actress!

Ah, well, in my head- no competition!

12. Can he tell I have been giving him those eye rolls every time he popped a question? Which is every two minutes!

Ah, even if he can, who cares!

13. No, we are not hanging out until the credits roll by.

Image source: Giphy

I know what you have on your mind and trust me you movie talker, you ain’t getting any!

After all you picked a movie date- that’s an oxymoron in my book! :/

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