So you’re all set to say ‘I do’ to the person of your dreams, or are planning to get married in the future? Maybe you’ve been together a while and wondering if it’s time to take the next big step, marriage. Marriage isn’t to be taken lightly, because what you don’t know can really hurt you.
Many couples want to preserve the romantic mystery surrounding their relationship, and don’t talk about the uncomfortable topics, nor do they ask each other the difficult questions. Sometimes it’s also because of shyness/awkwardness, or even a lack of interest that couples shy away from having the hard conversations. However, without tackling the uncomfortably difficult questions, you won’t be able to build a strong foundation for a stable marriage.
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While you may be reticent before the wedding because you want to preserve the mystery and unravel different facets of your partner over time, sometimes this can lead to severe disappointments down the line. However, you need to ask YOURSELF these following questions to spark honest discussions with yourself and possibly give you a chance to really take a good hard look at your relationship before it’s too late.
Questions to ask before you get married
1. Am I attracted to my partner emotionally as well as physically?
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Being attracted to your partner’s physical attributes is a plus, but if it’s the only thing that you’re attracted to, then that should make you stop and think. Although your beautiful partner is easy on the eyes, if you’re incompatible with them in every other way, then it’s not worth it, is it? Think about it, you’ll have to communicate with them, deal with them on a daily basis about mundane things as much as the important, life-altering things. It’s not just about sex; a relationship is far more than that. If there’s just physical chemistry and nothing else, just imagine how painful even seemingly little things become tedious, eventually making you unhappy.
2. Is my partner making me better or worse?
Every relationship has its one set of ups and downs, crests and troughs. But what makes it all worth it is when your partner encourages you to be your best possible self, while trying to do the same themselves. Does your partner bring out the best in you when you’re together, or does the opposite happen? Or is your partner finding ways to put you down, because they’re secretly insecure about your success and drive to excel? You have to answer these questions to yourself honestly and see what comes up.
3. Am I ready to commit to spending the rest of my life with my partner?
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Committing to spending the rest of your life with another individual is not an easy decision to make. So you need to be absolutely sure that you are ready for this, and that you’re prepared to face anything that life may throw at you during your marriage. During the course of your marriage, you and your spouse will change in many ways, some for the better, and some might be for the worse. You want to be able to grow together, while not growing apart from each other.
4. Do we accept each other as we are?
No individual is perfect, and neither are you nor your partner. There will always be some things you’d want to change about your partner. But, no one should be in a situation where they feel as if they aren’t allowed to be their authentic self, because their partner’s version of them doesn’t fit in with the reality. You need to be able to accept your partner as the unique, special yet flawed individual that they are, while they do the same for you.
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5. Who am I?
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Do you know who you are? What you want from life? What your likes and dislikes are? What you can tolerate from someone, and what you just can’t, no matter how much you love them? Do you love yourself – every inch of your unique, special yet flawed self? Do you know where you’re going in life? Do you know what you want from your partner? Unless you know who you are, how can you know if your partner is a good match for you or not?
6. When there’s a disagreement, how do we deal with it?
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Fights and disagreements are bound to crop up from time to time. After all, you’re both different individuals with your own unique set of traits and personalities. But how you deal with it individually as well as together is what matters the most. Do you always have to have your way? Is your partner willing to meet you halfway? Do you shout, yell, throw things, and basically have a temper tantrum that would put a three-year-old to shame? Or does your partner do that? You both have to be able to compromise and come to a consensus on various issues during the course of your relationship. If you say it’s either my way or the highway, it won’t work, nor should it, because a marriage is a partnership, where both partners have equal say and responsibilities.
7. Is this relationship balanced?
Are you and you and your partner on the same page with respect to compromise, care, division of responsibilities (financial, household, etc.,), support, and sacrifice? Or is one of you doing most of the work in the relationship, while the other just takes everything that comes their way, without bothering to lift so much as a finger? Not all relationships are balanced, and you need to check if yours is. If you do not rectify this imbalance of power now, it’ll only cause problems further down the line, causing resentment and anger to take root.
8. Do we share the same beliefs and values in life?
Sharing similar belief systems and values in life brings a couple closer together, making it a successful marriage. It’s a way to connect, grow, and help each other in times of crises. It’s also a way to bring harmony to your relationship because your beliefs and tenets and principles are what make you, and when your partner shares that with you, you’re both on the same page.
9. Do I want kids with my partner?
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To have kids or not to have them is the question these days. Many couples voluntarily decide not to have kids, because they don’t see themselves as being parents, or they might even think that kids are a liability. There are some who think that kids restrict their lives. If you want a brood of kids, and your partner doesn’t want anything to do with kids, then there’s a problem.
Never assume that just because your partner seems good with kids that they want to have one of their own. You need to discuss this with your partner and be sure that you’re both want the same things in life. If you enter into a marriage with the mistaken belief that you’d change your non-child-wanting partner’s mind down the line, you’re deluding yourself. You can’t base a marriage on the mistaken assumption that you partner might change their mind.
10. Am I ready to put my partner’s needs above my wants?
Marriage is all about give and take, and there needs to be a middle-ground that you can come to. You’ll have to make some adjustments in your life and your behavior that will put your partner’s needs above your own wants. Are you ready for that? Or will you start resenting your partner that you’re having to do all the work while they just enjoy the benefits? Compromises and sacrifices sometimes go hand in hand in a marriage, and if you can’t come to terms with it, then it’s going to be a rough ride for you.
11. Am I still me?
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Although being in love with someone doesn’t require you to change your identity and become a whole new person, there are going to be a few minor changes. However, if you can’t recognize yourself when you look in the mirror, then that’s a major red flag. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to fit into someone else’s idea of who you should be, on any level. You are you, and you need to hold on to your beautiful, unique, individual self.
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12. Is my gut on board with this marriage?
In all the beautiful chaos that a relationship brings into your life, you sometimes stop listening to your gut. You have intuition for a reason, and you should never stop listening to it. More often than not, it will stop you from making humongous mistakes that you’d probably regret somewhere down the line. However much you may love your partner, you need to stop and listen to what your gut is trying to tell you. Is it telling you to go ahead with your partner, or is it trying to hint that you’d be better off without them in your life?
There you have it; the most important questions to ask before you get married, so that you won’t regret it later. While being honest with your partner is admirable, you need to be honest with yourself too. After all, you get just one life, and if you’re not happy or not doing the things you want to, then what’s the point, eh? So these questions to ask before you get married may make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, but you need to answer them for yourself.
Good luck!
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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