“This is the end.
Hold your breath and count to ten
Feel the earth move and then
Hear my heart burst again.”
Yes, that is the little voice of your heart talking to you, loud and insistent, that “This is the END!” Your marriage is crumbling. It has crossed a line from which there is no coming back! If you think that making efforts like loving the other more or being a better human will make everything alright, you are extremely mistaken. It is too late, dear.
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There are times when it takes a string of horrible incidents to occur before ‘the knot’ starts strangling you! In the beginning, you may have put up with the other’s eccentricities and unbending ways. But as days pass and you have to live with them day in and day out, it becomes impossible to bear. Or it could also be that your dreams are not compatible and after you have lived together for some years, there is nothing to even talk about. Whatever the reason, your marriage is ‘in a coma’ and it is not going to come to life. The red flags are staring you in the face; recognize the signs that your marriage is over and move on.
For your reference, here are 12 of them:
Suggested read: 10 simple ways to love your wife
1. Un‘pair’
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Do you feel disconnected or uncoupled? I mean, do you still enjoy spending time together? If the answer is “No,” it is time to do some serious thinking. If one or both of you is always in the office working (or could be, avoiding home!), or spending all of your time with friends, you have a sign glaring at you! It clearly means that it is a relief to get away from one another. I fear that you have disengaged from your marriage already.
2. The ‘EX’ factor
Did your babe introduce ‘the ex’ as a buddy and do you see them around frequently? Something is definitely fishy! Infidelity is a big stumbling block for every marriage to jump over. Just putting an end to the affairs is in not enough. For any marriage to survive the adultery, the disloyal half of the duo must not have anything to do with the ex, even if it’s only “friendship”! It does not matter what your (in)significant other says about the innocence of this bond; with any ex in the picture, there is only trouble in it for you!
3. Problems, problems everywhere!
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Whenever you look around, all you see are problems with no solutions. One or both of you are not willing to make little sacrifices and compromises in order to work out some practical ways to improve your relationship (or whatever is left of it). Common marriage issues have the potential to change partners and make them bitter enemies. So, basically, you are sitting on a time bomb about to explode and yes, there is no way or time to deactivate it.
4. Expect no respect
Marriages do fail because the love dies, but the first sign of this breakdown is without a doubt a lack of mutual respect. For any healthy relationship, especially marriage, respect is a must. When that is gone, you are in a very bad place! You feel dismissed all the time, rejected, and even looked down upon. While one is feeling this way, the other does not even notice it. If your marriage has reached this horrible stage, which I call ‘The Wall,’ you will either be defending or attacking at all times! This does not look like marriage to me. Does it to you?
5. ‘Trick’ or treat!
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Some people are just not cut out to live their life with one person… only. It is almost impossible for these people to stay monogamous. This does not mean that they did not love you when they married you or that they didn’t want to marry you in the first place. They are philanderers, plain and simple. The bad part is, they try (and even mange) to put the entire blame on you for being too dominating or jealous! With a serial cheater, regrets, ‘sorrys,’ and counseling are not of much help. This will soon draw curtains on your marriage.
6. The “I” of the beholder!
If you smell selfishness in your marriage, it is time you get alert! Marriage is a two-way street. You never keep score about who gave more and who returned less. You just love. Your spouse’s needs (and sometimes wants) become your top priority. You feel you have done something for yourself when you do for the other. Self-centeredness in your husband or wife will soon make you feel ignored, neglected, and unloved.
Suggested read: A step by step guide to changing an unhappy marriage to a happy one
7. Character assassinators in the house!
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At home, there is always a toxic atmosphere of unrestrained venting. Whenever you begin expressing your real feelings, you speak of all the ways your spouse has made you feel fed-up, in full detail and using exclamation points! You might even start yelling, screaming, mocking, and even being sarcastic about the whole thing. Most of the time, such comments are made in the heat of rage, but unfortunately words are like arrows. Once they leave the bow, there is no way to bring them back. If you see this happening much too often at your place, marriage breakdown is knocking at your door!
8. Passionate, no more!
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‘Making love’ is a huge sign whether you are still in the ‘til death do us part’ phase or you have advanced into the ‘drop dead, let’s separate’ chapter! If sex has become too dull and mechanical, if not absent altogether, your marriage is in serious trouble. An enjoyable and gratifying sex life is very important to the heath and the well-being of each half and of the relationship they share. A continuing disappointment in this area, which is a basic human need, is a red flag that cannot and must not be ignored.
9. Silence of the lambs
When in love, even silences are some of the best conversations. When the love is no more, the same silences are suffocating. Communication is vital to every living being. That is how we pour our heart and head out. We do it more with the one we love the most, usually our significant other, because we know that they won’t judge us. However, if the two of you have stopped speaking (meaningful conversations), it is one of the signs your marriage is over. You are no longer in sync emotionally. With this bond gone, marriage will appear empty and lonely to you, which will compel you to leave.
10. Money on my mind!
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Finance is another aspect of married life that can get pretty tricky. If there is too much or very little money in the house, problems might start. In cases where you both are working, but one brings in more money than the other – especially if that person is the wife – power and authority issues may arise that can harm your marriage. Too much money, if the partners are not cautious, can fuel a lifestyle that ignites desires that can destroy the marriage. The values on which this institution of marriage stands tall will begin to shake and, eventually, fall to pieces.
11. The tokophobic partner
To have or not to have children can spark up some serious disagreements with your partner. In a marriage, there are numerous areas of compromise that both people have to participate in. Like, who will be responsible for the finances, how the family will be handled, and so on and so forth. But if one of the duo is absolutely adamant on not having a child, while the other wants one badly, danger bells are ringing. If the should-we-or-shouldn’t-we have children is a fence, and both of you are standing on either sides of it, experts say that your marriage is on its deathbed.
12. Love was ‘unsaid’
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The things that they say can be signs your marriage is over. I am talking about the phrases that the other uses whenever you both have an argument. These show what’s on their mind, even if it is a faint or distant thought. It could be, “I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore,” or “let’s get a divorce and settle things once and for all.” You need to talk this through and ask your spouse if this really means something. Usually, it is a soft sign of a marriage breakdown.
Suggested read: 8 most overlooked threats to a marriage
Are you browsing through marriage self-help books and websites in order to save your marriage? Well, sometimes it is just too late for any kind of healing. It is wiser to let it go. Every marriage is unique, but there exist some universal truths that apply to each. If one or both of you is unwilling to put in the same effort that is required to keep a marriage afloat, your dreams of staying together becomes a lie that you keep telling to both others and yourselves. The signs your marriage is over are out in the open. It’s time to identify them and work on them. It is time to move on and onto better times!
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