Far too many of my girlfriends have cribbed, at some point or the other, about the need for a ‘preview’ button in relationships, so they could equip themselves with some clarity about the blatant dating red flags that they’d overlooked for far too long, even though they were staring them in the face!
But you know that’s the good thing about dating – it helps you find what you don’t like so you can ultimately narrow down your choices and zero in on what you do like, and with some good luck and good loving, find the one who really IS who you’d wanted all along.
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As a person who metes out relationship advice every single day, I am aware that the above might sound just a tad bit (or more?) on the soppy side of things – but ‘tis true. And no, I am not undermining the need for that ‘preview button,’ I am sure it would help prevent many a heartbreak. But my problem with the whole proposition is this – even if the preview button were made available, would we, as the sentimental beings we are originally programmed to be, especially so when we are in love, be able to take off our blinders and see the red flags in dating for what they are? Would we be able to allow the rational being in us to overpower our crazy-in-love selves so as to be able to rip apart the dating red flags, critically analyze them, and take a detached, sane decision?
Suggested read: Things every man should know before committing to a relationship
No, right?
Thought so. Which is why, after a series of heartbreak stories poured into my ears over heart-rending bouts of crying – where the dating red flags were evidently clear but my girls just continued to live in denial – I decided to pen this down. They (and for that matter, all women) could not and cannot work with the tech aid they’ve asked for, on their own. So, for our friendship and for all my lovely readers, I have decided to prove why I believe in that soppy trade-off that dating allows. I have decided to explain why I believe in the nourishing power of the stew of failed relationships – for they make excellent manure for healthier relationship-crop to grow and thrive!
And as such, I have decided to be the human ‘preview’ button that shall allow you to view your relationships objectively. And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing judgmental about this. It’s plain good sense.
So, as I plop my favorite cushion against the sofa, open up my big black book of dangerous dating red flags, and begin to type away, I want you to take note of my experiential wisdom and save yourself the heartache. Here are the dating red flags you need to be on the lookout for:
1. He wants to control your life
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There’s a thin line between being supportive in your decisions and wanting to have a say in them. Remember that a boyfriend who is overbearing and wants to have a say in everything you do, even when it isn’t even remotely related to him, is not being protective! He is trying to be in control and that’s a big red flag sitting right there! Be careful to slow down lest you crash your dating vehicle.
2. He fights dirty
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A guy who does not hesitate to dig up your past, attack you on the personal level, and always be on the defensive by diverting things away from himself and steering the discussion on to the blame-game territory, manipulating you, and making you feel guilty isn’t the one you should put up with. What’s more, if he comes back defending himself because of some strain (work or otherwise) and tells you what happened happened coz he was processing a lot – don’t give in. We are all processing a lot – LIFE. And he is definitely not meant to be a part of yours.
3. He cannot express his love
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Of course, there isn’t a scoreboard for saying those words. But if he is unable to say them every once in a while and worse, never able to follow them up with action, it may be time to bid adieu to the relationship. Each of us are worthy of a love we hold ourselves to and meting out discounts on the same is a big NO-NO.
Suggested read: Telltale signs of a healthy relationship
4. He is a stage-7 clinger
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If your phone flashes his number right when you are out of sight, you have a problem. A healthy relationship works on interdependence and a good balance of ME-time and WE-time. If your guy is unable to understand this and needs you to navigate each day, chances are you are more his compass than a companion. Don’t allow him to use you to fill his empty ticks of the clock – you aren’t meant to be his security blanket!
5. He is available at his convenience
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A guy who commits to plans at the last moment, has no qualms calling them off, and isn’t even around when you need him the most, you are better off sailing at life’s sea alone. You do not need to be with someone who takes off when a storm strikes – coz such a person is definitely not going to brave the storm with you. If you ensure that you are there for him through thick and thin, you deserve the same. Not having him around when you are preggers, your parent dies or even when you lost your job is a good enough sign that you must let go and move on.
6. His idea of a date is booze and booty calls
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If he’s calling you at midnight to check how you are doing or inviting you to join him when he’s already boozing with the guys, he isn’t really into you – he just wants to get into your pants! If the pattern is what has been repeating itself consistently for all the time you’ve known him, you may do well to walk away, girl!
7. He’s stingy about his life’s details but wants to be in the loop on yours
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If your guy just does not clue you in on his personal or professional life but wants to get in on yours, in all its muck-and-grime and scrumptious platters, something’s not right. Guys are conditioned to believe that they shouldn’t really be overtly emotional and nobody’s asking for sobs either! But if you have been dating him for over a month and haven’t heard anything of his childhood or work whilst he seems to be putting his foot through the doors of yours’, slamming them open and bursting in, you might want to step back and rethink some things!
Suggested read: You can take him back only if…
8. He makes a big fuss about your quirks, always
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This one is really, really simple. If a guy can’t tolerate your quirks now, he is only going to resent them more, later. And you too!
9. It’s text-a-thon for all communication
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Listen girls, if he can pick up the phone to text, he can use the same to call. With Facebook, IM, and texting, it has become easier than ever to avoid serious conversations. And while texting isn’t ruled out as a fun part of relationships, using it to continue bringing up serious issues whilst avoiding a real discussion is a major dating red flag!
10. He plays the victim for ‘everything’ and wallows in self pity
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If he is always engaged in a blame game, where everything that transpires is everybody else’s fault, save his, he is immature, insecure, and needs help – stat! It takes a lot of self-awareness to grow into your faults, accept them, and take responsibility for the same. A real man apologizes and apologizes well, but if such apologies never come by in your relationship and there’s no reason to believe they will, you might do well to end this basketball-relationship with its dribble war!
11. He has the Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome
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If he isn’t himself at all times and in all situations but seems to switch personas at will and as per convenience, you might do well to question the integrity of the man. Seriously! We all have our mood swings but if he is Mr. Exuberant with other women but gives you Mr. Sulky or seems to shift the mood and tone when you walk in on him and his friends partying, you have reason to start doubting something’s amiss. I mean, how can you tell the real him from, well, the other him-s!
12. You feel you are alone in the relationship with the ‘commitment label’ that keeps you bound
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If your relationship equation looks like YOU = single + ‘committed label,’ you might want to rethink walking on this quicksand of a relationship with the needless weight of more than 200 pounds latched to your ankles. If you feel you are the only one investing in the relationship and are always absorbed in thoughts about whether or not this is right, why you are so anxious and sad all the time, whether he is treating you the way you are meant to be treated, STOP. You are thinking hard enough and I do not even need to tell you what your next step should be.
Suggested read: Nuggets of dating wisdom from my grandma
And that’s the laundry list for the major dating red flags you should NOT be ignoring! As a bonus, I’d like to mete out some more of the dating red flags you should be wary of. These include toxic language, lack of sensitivity, blurred boundaries, emotional immaturity, faulty foundations, overt criticism, irresponsibility, inability to suffer well and brave the storms, indecisiveness, a false sense of entitlement, negative personality traits like arrogance and manipulation, verbal/emotional, physical abuse, and an inability to commit!
Remember, prevention is better than cure – ALWAYS!
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