Dating, in today’s world, has become a hopscotch game. People are always skipping steps either to get to the third square (read: third base) or simply the other side to reverse, and begin all over again. And yet, there’s a whole generation of us, stuck to our screens – eyes shot from signing up for a zillion dating services, swiping right on our phones until the over-used finger is stiff from the pain and screams in rebellion. Ever wondered WHY?
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WHY is our generation not scared to date? Especially when dating is a game, played in halves. Unlike the hopscotch games of our carefree childhood, no participant of the dating game is ever playing it right. Instead of stones, lies and half-hearted attempts are tossed about, there’s a skipping of several steps, only to reach an end that one of the players has in mind, regardless of the fact that he/she hasn’t let the other player in on the ‘changed’ rules one has tweaked to meet their own sweet (?) ends. What – you don’t believe me? Well, you only have to take a look at the deceit splattered across online dating profiles, the number of lie-platters consumed on luncheons and dinner dates, the ‘is-he-into-me’ dilemmas, and of course, the solid proof – the data on dating. And if statistics don’t seem to satiate you, well, I have more. Most of this misguided herd is dating and choosing to stay on in a ‘friends-with-benefits’ arrangement, an unfulfilling relationship or worse, a bad, one-way or abusive relationship because they are afraid of the alternative – being alone.
Suggested read: Is Anuptaphobia the reason you are a serial dater?
But is the fear of not having someone a valid reason to settle? Isn’t finding someone who is deserving of us a more worthy reason to take the plunge? Isn’t being single a far better alternative to putting oneself out there, being vulnerable, being in anxiety-mode all the time, sometimes, even offering far more leeway than one should and suffering the gut-wrenching pain of heartbreak – and all for getting but only halves of people you’d have liked to BE with for life? And what when you actually get to be with them, but they do not let you BE, not as you are, anyway?
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When I weigh all of THAT on a weighing scale, I, for sure, know which side tips lower. This weightier side is a CHOICE that I do not see most other people making. They keep on adding more weights to the lighter side, in hopes that they can make their date’s contributed halves whole and as such, get a fulfilling relationship. I have snapped out of that deluding cycle long back. As such, I am not afraid of being alone, but scared of dating.
I know that there is a rather baffling paradox in there – about not finding someone ‘worthy’ unless I am on the prowl. But honestly, I am done kissing far too many frogs for now. And I am not looking for a Prince. My version of ‘THE’ dream when it comes to romance is an imperfect person I can look at and love perfectly for the rest of my life. And ‘dating’ as our generation is ‘doing’ it isn’t going to give me that. And no, I am not a cynic but I believe that an organic connection between two humans can be birthed out of something, anything, that does not require the label ‘dating,’ especially so when it has been tainted with some murky slop I have no patience to clean!
And here’s my list of compelling reasons why I am not scared of being by myself but am really scared to date:
1. I am not afraid of being ME, I am afraid of being with someone who makes me feel like my version of ME isn’t good enough
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The very idea of changing myself to fit someone else’s notion of ‘perfect’ annoys me. And yet, I have walked those rose-strewn paths often enough to know that THAT heady dope can make all bets come off. And I am scared of becoming someone I am not – I hate having to look in the mirror and trying to fake-turn my frowns upside down when I want to scream and shout at everything. You can’t blame me, I am not ME, you see!
2. I am not afraid of hugging my pillow to sleep, I am afraid of waking up to crumpled sheets that had a man in between them the previous night
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This is the worst kind. May be second to last in the worst category. Those lonely nights when I spend my time sifting through the folds of my blanket for the warmth of someone I can truly be intimate with do not scare me, but sharing that heat with someone who is done with it as soon as he is in, zips off, and leaves, stabs me right in the chest.
3. I am not afraid of not getting it often enough, I am afraid of the consistent regrets the morning-after
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Sex isn’t scarce. Really. But having it with someone who is but a stranger to my being is quite a turn-off for me. And this is just one of the reasons why I’m scared to date.
Suggested read: How to love an emotionally unavailable woman
4. I am not afraid of not being showered with compliments, I am scared of being too dependent on them for pseudo-validation
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I am a self-sufficient, put-together woman who might, self-admittedly, not have her s**t together at all times (I mean, who does!) but surely does not look outward for any validation of her self-worth. But as mentioned earlier, that dope can really get to you! And I choose to abstain.
5. I am not afraid to watch those romantic flicks all by myself, but I am afraid of someone spoiling my smile-worthy/welling-up moments in them forever
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Coz I am a sappy, old romantic! Guilty as accused! But just because I am engaging in self-protection does not mean I need to don the garb of being cynical, skeptical, and anti-love.
6. I am not afraid of pilfering my earnings, I am afraid of wasted time that would be spent before it can be saved
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This is one resource I cannot stock back on. So, I will not drain its limited supplies on people who do not value it.
7. I am not afraid of not having someone to share belly-laughs with, I am afraid of giving someone the right to hurt me
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Coz even when all’s fair in love and war, it hurts. It really hurts.
8. I am not scared of crying myself into nothingness, I am worried I might be spending my tears on the one who isn’t the ONE
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Yes, my emotional wires may outnumber the others by scores, but I still do not want to waste them on someone who does not value them. Do you now see why I’m afraid of dating?
9. I am not afraid of losing touch with my best buds, I am afraid of cutting them some slack from my ‘blah-blah’ for the wrong guy
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My friends are my world and it takes a lot of ME to steal some of the precious ticks of my buddy time for someone I feel drawn to. But to realize that it was all for naught – ouch!
10. I am not afraid of the ice-queen label, but I am petrified of that raw, naked vulnerability
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Ever been dumped without any trace of reason? Ever been walked out on without as much as a second glance? Yes, you KNOW.
Suggested read: Never say sorry for your emotional baggage
11. I am not afraid of the enormous pressure of ‘not having settled down yet,’ I am afraid of settling because I handed down HUGE discounts on my worth
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It is only when you are fully sure of your worth that you stop handing discounts to people. You get to decide how people treat you or more importantly, how they don’t treat you.
12. And finally, I am not scared of being alone, but I am terrified of being with someone and still feeling alone
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This is the absolute worst! Being trapped in a relationship that makes you feel lonelier than you’d have been in your own company, is a dead-end. Can you imagine going through life with that kind of stifled feeling? You see…
It MUST be understood that my fear of hours spent checking up on my phone every two minutes for a call, a message – anything has nothing to do with my belief in GOOD people, LOVE or even their existence. I just don’t see ‘dating’ as the sole proprietor to a LOVE I hold myself (and every being on the planet) worthy of.
And just for the record, I have nothing against dating either. Am against the GAME it has become and would like very much to regain access to my own version of what ‘dating’ should be like. If only somebody’s taking a break from swiping right to LISTEN…
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