I Do, I Don’t, I Won’t: All The Wrong Reasons Why People Get Married

by Sejal Parikh · July 21, 2015

When you are in your late twenties and beginning to see your social media feeds pop up engagement, marriage, or worse, honeymoon photos of peeps at the regurgitation speed of a dozen cows on Prozac, you begin to wonder if you’d ever be anything more than a bot doing wonky work hours and a coffee-chugging couch potato on weekends who could formerly brag about being a beer-express on Saturday nights! No, you don’t dream of being the next Heidi Klum – you gave up on that one four years ago – but you begin to wonder if you’d ever be the partner who gets to be a remote-grabbing maniac, complain about crumbs in bed, and settle it all with an hour worth of firing arguments and five hours of unidirectional nursing, so you, too, can go and post cutesie photos of the two of you on Facebook!

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Now do you notice something rather sinister about all of that? From among all the ‘fine’ reasons to get married (I mean getting the remote is a victory, no?) that your brain is churning out at the speed of your post-beer-express body throwing up after a mad peer-pressurized-beer-marathon, the ONE and ONLY legit reason to get married is missing! As the effects of the bad hangover begin to wear off, you notice that what you thought were all the right reasons to get married were actually the wrong reasons to get married masquerading as the ‘right’ ones and driving (pushing?) you to the altar. Close one! Phew! I mean now that you are sober, you can see that the desire to own a billowing Vera Wang number or the urge to tick ‘marriage’ off your checklist coz everybody else is doing so, aren’t quite the right reasons to get married! I mean who the heck gets married for all of THAT?

Apparently, many do – not everyone is able to dodge the bullet! Many actually end up walking down the aisle and saying ‘I do’ for all the wrong reasons. And THAT when the angels and seraphims of good reason are fluttering about trying to get them to say ‘I don’t.’ It is rather dismaying to see just how many people go through life not being able to get married for the ONE and ONLY reason that holds and exchange their vows for a million and one others that aren’t quite the right reasons to get married. Take a look at all the wrong reasons that drive hordes to the altar, every day:

1. Hitting the magic number

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Whether you had marked twenty-five or thirty as your magic number, are way past it, have those crazy thoughts about freezing your eggs, getting together with that awful ex as a better alternative to dying single, and a comparison with those other 30-year-olds who ‘are married’ pinballing through your head or are busy plucking candles off your birthday cake, magically wishing for a time-rewind – you need to get this clear – marriage isn’t about a timeline! It is about being with the person who makes you and your life better! Wait for him, until he trots along!

2. The baby-ticking time bomb syndrome

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Okay, maybe that biological clock is fast ticking and the system is overheating – but does that mean you will start to pop out those tiny tots with the ‘wrong father?’ I mean, think about it – having the wrong dad for your child isn’t just awful for you, it is terrible for your child too – and your maternal instinct isn’t going to allow that, is it?

3. Societal expectations

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The society always expects you to ‘get married and begin a family.’ But what’s the deal with that – why does society, for all its progress, cannot see women as ‘complete’ without the ‘Mrs.’ label? I mean, it would be nice for once to wait until a man with an open mind and a closed ego tiptoes in to state that he’d be proud to be the ‘Mr.’ half of a potential-WE. Coz there lies some SERIOUS potential! Really!

4. Peer pressure

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When all your friends are walking down the aisle saying ‘I do,’ it suddenly catches up like the Domino effect. And worse, there’s no vaccine to contain the contagious thing. It isn’t long until the wedding invites at your doorstep start to become pointed questions from your parents, aunts, uncles, and maybe even neighbors as to when you’d give them the honor! Bah! I mean this’d be the time when you could actually throw your parents’ favorite quip back unto them – just because everyone is jumping off a cliff, does that mean you have to too? Isn’t it better to be the last one standing than the first to take the fall? 😉

Suggested read: Anuptaphobia – do you fear being alone?

5. Fear of being alone and dying alone

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Whether you have learnt to be okay being alone or cry yourself to sleep each night owing to your loneliness, the belief that this void can be filled by an individual is the most damaging one you can hold on to. The pseudo comfort that this belief provides and the erroneous path it sets you out on is self-destructive. Of course, being alone is hard and some days it is twice as hard but you need to embrace, accept, and love yourself first.

6. The settlement with settling

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When you begin to feel that you cannot and won’t do better, you are inevitably handing out discounts on your own worth. In choosing to settle with someone you do not feel love for but are choosing nonetheless, for fear that there’s nobody ‘better’ to take you, you are doing the worst you could to yourself. Only when you find someone who does not induce any such thoughts in your mind would you know that even though there might be someone ‘objectively’ better out there, you have the person who is, in all his imperfections, perfect for you.

7. Tangible security

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When you marry for materialist gain, all you got to remember is that there are no guarantees in life. Those wads of green sitting in the bank account could be wiped clean, the insurance cover could lapse, and everything you married for could crumble like a house built on sand. After all, ‘twas a faulty foundation, right?

8. Belief that marriage will ‘make up’ for what’s missing

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There is a long-standing misconception that marriage can solidify the relationships, fill the cracks, and mend the messy matters in a relationship. Far from true. It can only amplify all that is wrong and dredge up more problems. So iron out issues before you decide to leap to the altar.

9. Because he proposed

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Okay, so he went down on one knee and popped the big question flashing that big, sparkly rock! But does that mean he is entitled to a yes, your hand, your heart, and all of you? Don’t blurt the yes coz you think he made the effort or you fear if anybody else will ask. Say ‘yes’ only if you have the *feels* and are sure about him and your relationship.

10. To check marriage off the list

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You are rocking that unconventional career, bought a killer apartment, and have a great social life. What’s next – a new surname, right? WRONG! Unless you want the dreaded divorce deal to sully your impeccable track record, be wary of marrying for the sake of marrying.

11. Because you are pregnant

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That bump in the belly does not mean you have to say ‘I do.’ Sure, it’d be easier with a dad to take care of the li’l being and if you love him and he loves you back and you’d planned a marriage before getting knocked up, go ahead! But if your raging hormones tell you it is the ‘right thing’ when he couldn’t care less – you don’t want to bring up your child in a home fraught with strife and hate.

12. Because you feel that’s what you are supposed to do