What does it mean when people say, you’re losing yourself in a relationship? How does it happen? How does one recognize that they’re getting lost in their relationship?
It’s hard to recognize this by yourself when you’re actually in the middle of the relationship. You won’t have a clear, objective view of your own life, until someone points it out, or you do it yourself by introspection and self-examination. And the truth is, oftentimes, this rarely happens. By the time you realize that you’ve completely, utterly, and spectacularly lost yourself in a relationship, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.
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You don’t exactly get into a relationship with the intention of losing yourself in it. But as time passes by and you look back on your life, you see that you barely recognize yourself, wondering where your sense of self went off to. Of course, when you’re in a relationship, it’s only natural to become a whole new version of yourself when you’re with another individual. But you never lose your core, your sense of self wholly. The problem arises when you do lose yourself wholly, utterly, and completely, that you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.
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However, there are some obvious signs that you’re losing yourself in a relationship, and we’ll be outlining them here, so that you’ll have a roadmap of sorts to find yourself again.
1. You don’t know your own goals and passions anymore
If you’ve lost touch with what you want out of life and have neglected your goals and passions, then this is a big red flag that you’ve allowed your sense of self to take a backseat in your relationship. You don’t indulge in your passions anymore, you’ve lost sight of your goals for the future – remember your goal of finishing that novel you started two years ago? – you’ve lost touch with what you want out of life.
2. You don’t speak up about your wants and desires
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You keep quiet about what you want and desire. You don’t even voice your needs anymore. You think it’s better to not rock the boat. Instead, you’re shoving aside your individuality in favor of the relationship. But what you don’t realize is that if you keep shoving your desires and wants aside, you’re just burying your head in the sand. You’ll lose your individuality, and only regret and resentment are left, which are two of the biggest relationship killers. What is left of you if you lose your self?
3. You go through the motions
A clear sign that you’re losing yourself in a relationship is you going through the motions, more like lather, rinse, repeat, without much enthusiasm for anything. It’s probably not what you’d dreamed of when you were a kid, but you’ll also find yourself sans a sense of humor too. That’s the worst thing about getting lost in a relationship.
4. You use WE more often than you use ME
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You start to think collectively, rather than individually. You start to think that your ideas and opinions don’t matter on their own, unless substantiated by the collective WE. Of course, it’s a good thing that you and your partner are in a place where you consider yourself a team, a unit. That’s great. But it’s not so great if you find yourself bereft of an individual voice and opinion.
5. You gave away all your stuff when you moved in together
Your belongings reflect your personality, your style, and your choices. If you gave away all your stuff when you moved in together, that’s another red flag waving in front of your face that you have a high chance of losing yourself in a relationship. Sure, living together brings a sense of security, safety, and togetherness, but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your personality to have it.
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6. You often see to everyone else’s needs before you even think about your own
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You take care of your partner, the house, the seemingly never-ending list of chores, and everything in between. You feel like you don’t even have time to read a newspaper in peace or watch a TV show uninterrupted. This only causes resentment and bitterness to take root in the relationship. You should NOT feel guilty about taking time out to take care of yourself and your needs. This is a clear sign that you discount your own needs in favor of others’, that you don’t value yourself as much as you value others – your kids, your partner, and your relationship.
7. You feel as if you’re emotionally stunted
True joy and happiness are but transitory. You find yourself feeling angry or resentful most of the time, and you can’t seem to break out of the vicious trap. More often than not, this leads to arguments and rows that are triggered by even the smallest things that merely used to annoy you before.
8. You don’t think of yourself as someone with sex appeal
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With all your energies occupied elsewhere, you start to feel as if you’re a robot who’s going through the motions of living, who’s lost all of their sex appeal. You don’t feel the need to dress up, put on makeup, to look and feel good about yourself. This is a glaring red flag that you’re well on your way to losing yourself.
9. You don’t know what’s best for you anymore
You’ve sort of unlearned everything you’ve learnt and experienced till you began your relationship. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you lose all sense of what’s best for you, and what’s not. YOU need to do what’s best for you, YOU need to take a chance on that rare opportunity that’s knocking at your door, YOU need to pursue your passions and interests and keep them alive.
10. You look for anything to fill the void
Since you don’t experience any real joy, you look for ways to feel even that ephemeral happiness. You look for anything that seems to fill the gnawing hole in your gut and your soul. If you see yourself in pursuit of this temporary relief by binge-eating, binge-watching, or worse, drinking and shopping to ease your unhappiness, then you’ve clearly on your way to losing yourself in your relationship, almost permanently.
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11. You feel hopeless and want out of it
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It’s a chore for you to wake up in the morning and face another day. You feel as if you’re a zombie whose living half a life, and want out – stat. But the thing is, when you’ve almost lost yourself in the relationship, you’re unwilling to even put the effort to change the status quo. It’s up to you how to change the life you’re in. It’s up to you to feel alive again. It’s up to you to get yourself worked up enough to rip apart your present zombie state and come out on the other side to breathe in life – again.
As they say in airplanes, you need to put on your oxygen mask first, and only then do you go off to help your companion, the same holds true in a relationship too. Losing yourself is like throwing off your oxygen mask, and then trying to share your partner’s mask. So letting yourself get lost in a relationship is a real possibility for anyone. But it’s toxic, claustrophobic, and unhealthy for both of you. It cannot sustain in the long run.
If you see these signs in yourself, then it’s time to make a change – now. Consider this your wake up call. Good luck.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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