Having a friend you can sleep around with is honestly really great, and that is what you keep telling yourself before you dive head-first into an FWB or friends with benefits relationship. The problem with rash decisions like this is it almost always ends up in bitter relationships, one or two hurt parties, confusion and commitment phobia.
To avoid this massive mess, it is important to take into consideration certain things before you become bed buddies. It is easy to understand why people would want to engage in this kind of tomfoolery. Don’t worry, I am not judging, but it has been statistically proven that relationships in which two friends decide to have sex without any kind of feelings involved, has a 128% chance of failing and ending in disaster.
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It is however, an excellent way to vent your pent up energy and frustration, and it is always better to hit the sack with someone you know, rather than a highly risky series of one-night-stands where you run the risk of things much worse than pregnancy. Having a friend who you can fool around with and have fun with at the same time without all the burdens, complications and obligations of a relationship sounds like the ideal state of existence to be in, but an arrangement like this is also bound to have its own set of complication.
Suggested read: Understanding A Friends With Benefits Relationship: The Pros, The Cons, And Everything In Between
No matter which way you are leaning, here are 10 golden commandment of being in a friends with benefits arrangement, that you should definitely check out before committing yourself fully to something like this.
1. Don’t be FWB with your neighbor
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If you have a hot neighbor who also happens to be of an appropriate age, friendly and willing to have sex with you, then you must refrain from indulging. Even though it might sound like the best opportunity ever, and the most convenient arrangement ever when you need your sexual needs met, you should exercise a certain level of self control.
See, the thing is, when your relationship gets terminated for whatever reason, which is bound to happen, you would want some physical distance separating you from the situation. Also, living right beside the person with whom you are sleeping, but not engaged in a relationship with, can get too close for comfort. After all, knowing every single detail of their daily lives as neighbors isn’t the place situation for you when you just want a little harmless sex.
2. You cannot enter into this with ulterior motives
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It is very easy to pretend that you are going to keep it casual and it is totally impossible for you to develop feelings for the person you are sleeping with, because you are just friend right? However, this attitude is not only unfair to your partner, but unfair to your too. If you secretly like the person, lying to them and sleeping with them is not the way to make them like you back. You have to be open and up-front about your true feelings and intentions, ironically just like in a real relationship.
Ideally, what you should be feeling is a certain level of detachment towards your partner, because the moment you start getting attached, all these unsolicited feelings emerge and screw everything up. To make an FWB relationship work, you have to be brutally upfront and honest.
3. No form of jealousy is allowed
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Exclusivity in a FWB arrangement is like claiming a prize that wasn’t yours to begin with. Both you and your partner are allowed to go out with other people, sleep with other people and do whatever the hell you want, because the only thing your schedules might have in common is consensual sex.
If you are the kind of person who will get jealous if your FWB friend flirts with other people or dumps you when they find someone they really want to be with, then this kind of a relationship is definitely not for you. It is best to go into such an arrangement with someone you are sure you are never going to develop feelings for. That way, you can actually be supportive when your partner finds someone they truly love and want to chill with, and you also have to be okay with all the open-relationship things that come with such an arrangement.
4. You have to keep texting to a minimum, unless it is sexting
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People text all the frikking time. This allows everyone to get direct and exclusive access into your life (if you are a non-stop texter) and get a blow-by-blow account of your life in real time. This is bound to create certain complications if you are engaged in an FWB relationship. The moment you start discussing feelings, you start developing feelings. The moment you start confiding in your ‘friend’, things get too close for comfort, and you sign yourself up for awkwardness and disappointment and unreal expectations that are never going to be fulfilled.
Your texting relationship should be restricted to asking whether the other person is free, and where you would like to do the dirty, and an occasional naked selfie. Apart from that, things will get too intense, and when that starts happening, it is time to run the opposite direction.
Suggested read: Can Men And Women Be ‘Just’ Friends? Is It At All Possible?
5. Dating, holding hands and presents are strictly not allowed
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Your relationship is the relationship of the flesh and therefore, none of the gooey, mushy relationship things are allowed. You might be a nice person who does nice things for people in general, but a FWB arrangement is a delicately balanced equation that requires high maintenance, or your life could crash and burn around you.
Even if you really like your FWB partner as a person, you cannot hold their hand, you cannot buy them random presents and holding hands is so totally off limits.
6. You have to keep your relationship a secret
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I am not trying to be a spoilsport, but it imperative that you keep your relationship a secret. It’s cute when you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and you make them meet your parents, your friends, your pets, your neighbors and everyone else. However, once people start spotting you out and about with your FWB partner, things are going to get super complicated.
For one, explaining to people how a relationship like this works is a task in itself. It also puts unnecessary pressure on your partner, because honestly, that is not what you sign up for. To keep matters in control and uncomplicated- only meet at night and steer clear of each other during the day.
7. The life span of a FWB arrangement in 4-6 months max
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When you propose an arrangement like this to a willing candidate, you should do so with the full knowledge that the life-span of such a thing should not be more than 4-6 months. That is almost half a year people, and by that time, you should either find someone you actually like, or find someone better in bed, so that you can move on.
6 months is also a long time to get to know someone, which is when they can start becoming close and feelings might start bubbling to the surface and you might cross over to dangerous feelings territory. If in 6 month’s time you still see yourself sleeping with the same person on a regular basis, then you need to talk things out about the future, because the longer you stay, the more difficult it is to move on.
8. USE PROTECTION!!
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You might know this person, and you might be actual real life friends with them, and you might have spoken about the nature and future of your relationship at length before engaging sexually with each other, but you have to, under all circumstances, use protection when having sex.
Since that is what your relationship is all about, it is important that you do this one thing right, by carrying condoms at all times. Condoms should become your best friend forever when you are engaged in things like this, because there is nothing messier than an STD or an unplanned pregnancy with your FWB.
9. You have to be open to other relationships
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An arrangement like this could lead you into a false sense of security and make you commitment phobic. Before you start, you have to make sure that you are mentally prepared to accept other people in your life, and if the opportunity of true love does come along, you won’t push it away because it invades your private bubble. The whole point of a relationship like this is fooling around till you find someone better.
Suggested read: 10 logical reasons why a friends with benefits relationship doesn’t work
10. Make sure you establish your boundaries beforehand
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Before having sex, make sure you set certain boundaries. Here is a list that should help:
- No cuddling
- No staying for breakfast
- No forcing someone to have sex when they aren’t in the mood
- No checking up on each other constantly (or at all)
- No sleepovers
- No inter-personal relationships
Essentially, you have to establish the fact that you are in this for yourself. Being friends with benefits comes with more complications that you think, which why you really do need to think deeply and have open, candid and transparent conversations before you dive in and start sleeping with the first willing friend you find in the vicinity. This way, you can have your fun, and avoid bitterness and awkwardness in the long term.
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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