Most guys want to get emotionally close in a relationship but their coping strategies always seem to get the better of them! Being emotionally available is a challenge for anyone out there in the dating scene. But for a man, the challenge is just upped because of a number of factors, an important one being we, women! Even something as trivial as mixed signals can discourage a man’s attempts to bond emotionally. The most interesting thing that I have observed about emotionally unavailable men is that they desperately want to be emotionally intimate and feel a connection, but fear and imbibed coping strategies prevent them from doing the same. If you are the philosophical kind, let me put it this way: they castoff what they seek.
For men who are emotionally unavailable, sharing thoughts like what’s on their mind is not an issue. They do quite well with the ‘what’s ups’. But inquiries like where their heart is at this very moment, what are their vulnerabilities, what do they fear, what do they truly love doing but are ashamed of telling at the risk of sounding lame, are discussions that they shy away from. As a result, building a real connection in the most authentic way becomes a dare!
Suggested read: 10 unmistakable signs you’re being emotionally manipulated by your partner
To help you understand better whether you are dating an emotionally available man or not, let’s just quickly skim through the signs a person is likely to exhibit if they’re emotionally unavailable.
- The most common red flag is that he spends all his time with you and everyone knows you are an item, but this bloke fears the word ‘commitment’
- If he behaves like the world revolves around him and he’s only on the look-out for himself, he is emotionally unavailable
- He is not prepared to take up conflicts and talk them through
- He even has an issue committing to the small things in life. Similarly, his career and his workout regime, are hanging by a thread!
- Some emotionally unavailable men, on the other end of the spectrum, don’t pay any attention to themselves and always have their caretaker mode on!
- He has detailed expectations from you and has already decided a role for you in his life. This role could be a cook’s or a cleaner’s!
So now that we are pretty clear about what being emotionally unavailable means and also whether you are dating one of the emotionally unavailable men or not, we can dive into the vital things you need to consider as his girlfriend or even before taking up that role.
1. He is not dead!
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Emotionally unavailable men are not dead! They are just not serious about being in a relationship at this point, though they may genuinely love you. To put it more brutally, there is all the possibility in the world for them to be a good guy and do everything ‘proper’ but if they aren’t acting like bfs, the girls, definitely, are wasting their time. Emotional unavailability is not an indication of the man being undesirous of a female’s attention or even love. And it certainly, doesn’t mean that he’s not up for sex! Understanding this is crucial when it comes to emotionally unavailable men because women often tend to assume that they are automatically off the market. Now that’s just not right!
2. Pay attention
When it comes to men who are emotionally unavailable, ignore the positives but always believe the negatives! Maybe he made it clear with an overt action of not claiming you as his girlfriend at a party or maybe it was his silence a week after your first night together. It could also have been his actual words when he pointed out that he wasn’t looking for anything serious at the moment. But you were just not paying attention! If you did pay attention, it would have allowed you to help him address the issue directly, which is way better than the former!
3. He is not evil!
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He may be genuinely interested in you but will also communicate to you that he is not looking for anything serious and that you are completely free to choose whether you want to proceed or not. This means he is going to be thoughtful, he is going to be charming, he will check on you when you feel under the weather, etc., but he doesn’t want to give this ‘caretaking’ a name. So he is not entirely selfish if you try to understand what’s going on in his head. Also remember that the ball stays in your court as soon as you set your foot into this guy’s door!
4. If you claim to be a powerful woman, act like one!
Is that too close to the bone?!
A man values a woman on a formula, which in turn depends on how much the woman values herself. If you give him the whole of you without even asking for a bare minimum, it will be very difficult for him to value you and he will know in is heart that he and you can never end up together. In such cases, even if a man wants to get emotionally connected, he won’t be able to motivate himself to give you his everything because he knows that you are more than content with him giving you barely anything! You need to challenge him. You need to make it clear to him that you’ll accept nothing less than the whole shebang.
Suggested read: How to love an emotionally unavailable woman
5. Trust his actions because words mean nothing to him
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You need to keep your sanity by preventing a dull and unoccupied routine. You must not plan things around this guy and focus more on pursuing your own interests. You need to master the art of being naturally busy or you will end up going berserk in no time!
To keep it balanced, don’t invest more in your ‘friendship’ than he does. If he is not willing to make it official, you should take advantage of that! You can reap benefits out of this open arrangement! Don’t whip up a recipe for heartache by assuming the role of a girlfriend when that’s a word he would never use while introducing you to others.
6. Mirror his mood
The secret to dating emotionally unavailable men is to let them set the pace if they want to take things slow. Copy him in whatever he does. If he is behaving warm, you can maybe push the ‘bonding’ quotient a little further in your relationship. But when he is cold, reciprocate a similar emotion. Maintain distance from him and please don’t force yourself into craving for his attention and worse, affection! This will surely make him withdraw further.
7. Don’t bring up questions like “where’s this going?”
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Or even “are we exclusive?! If he has told you once that he is not looking for a relationship, you need to act less eager! Because if you keep a rein on your need for attachment, he will feel safer with you and so will, naturally, spend more time with you. You will have to let him untie the knots of fear and the concern for commitment, a little by little by himself.
You can either choose to be sexually exclusive with emotionally unavailable men or even give them subtle tipoffs, once in a while, about the fact that you are still on the market and having a gala time!
8. What’s going on in that head?
As weird as it may seem, men who are emotionally unavailable keep aloof and even avoid answering their partners’ calls not because they don’t want them anymore, but because they don’t want to lose them! When you just start dating (are we even allowed to call it that?!), you are happy even if he spends very little time with you because you are excited he made an effort at least. So he’s a success and that’s very important to him. But once you move up the ladder on the commitment issue, you are bound to get more demanding with each step taken. You will feel neglected for the times he isn’t with you rather than appreciating the things he does for you. This is something that scares him and hence he doesn’t want to dwell in that domain!
9. Customize your love
Love is beautiful and I am sure you don’t want to throw it out of the window! But who said anything about that?! All you need to do is tailor your brand of love: shift a few expectations, draw some boundaries and voila! You can continue loving this emotionally unavailable man of yours! The problem with most people is that they believe love is a one size fits all arrangement. Now that’s a blooper!
Suggested read: A love letter for him from a recovering emotionally unavailable girlfriend
10. Communication is key
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There might be times when you find him looking at you from a distance and that look in his eyes is love for sure. So has he changed? Is he willing to commit now? Should you ask him? When it comes to a relationship, clear communication is vital because only that helps you develop an inferred understanding from the other’s actions alone!
Keep the dialogue going, to give your relationship, a unique personality. Who knows? Maybe in a week or month or years’ time, he may have a lot to offer someone, and that someone might very well be you! John Mayer insists, “Friends, lovers or nothing!” But I would say that’s rather restrictive. Accept love in whichever package it comes.
When dating an emotionally unavailable man, you need to be open-hearted. If you think you are not capable of such flexibility, I would suggest you bid farewell right now. You surely don’t want to resent him for not being what he never was!
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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