It’s Valentine’s Day in less than a fortnight, and I am going to spend it as usual: in a bath of rose petals and milk, with my guy, with candles all around us, drinking expensive champagne from crystal flutes and gazing into each other’s eyes that shine brighter than the million stars! And then the sex, let’s not even go there… 😉
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I am lying, right? You bet I am! But don’t we all do this every Valentine’s Day? Pretend! And why? Obviously because we think that everyone else is having it the Cinderella and Prince Charming way: A big-chocolate-covered ball with you and him dancing for hours together! On a lighter note, that would really hurt your ankles and toes! My love, only an extremely small slice of the dating population has a good time on Valentine’s Day. And here’s why!
- If you are single, you will be spending your Valentine’s Day rolling your eyes over any act of love!
- If you have been in a long-term relationship for more than what one would call a long time, this holiday will make you feel worse as it will remind you of the memories of your first few Valentine’s Days, long before you started peeing with the door open!
- If you have just committed yourself to someone, Valentine’s Day is purely stressful! Full of what ifs? What should I do? What does the other expect of me? And blah! Blah!
Suggested read: 15 gorgeous dresses you can flaunt this Valentine’s Day party
So Valentine’s Day is more about feeling worthless than feeling loved? Basically yes, unless you listen to us and not do a few stupid things this February 14th! Here are 10 that should cut you the deal!
So, don’t:
1. Buy flowers
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The florists raise the prices of their wares, in case you didn’t know! Also, be very careful with your choices: Flowers are like timepieces; they are amazingly ugly at times! I, personally, would put a turd on the kitchen table than a blue jasmine or chrysanthemum! And roses? No, that’s purely boring!
Also, don’t send your bouquet anonymously. I mean, what’s the point in it?!
2. Go out with your girlfriends
And then dance with them in a circle! Yeah, it is fun but surely not one of the things to do on Valentine’s Day! It is dopy when single girls, who want to meet potential mates, do this one thing that ensures they won’t: Turn in their lady wagons! Girl power and all that jazz! This is super dumb. Forming a big clot in the middle of the dance floor and telling guys to talk to their hand!
If you are a smart woman, you will go out with only a few friends. Or maybe forget completely about an all-girl outing. Do something bold! Go to a bar and order a glass of wine for the diva that’s you and remind yourself that you are open to whatever that may or may not happen. Your happiness is in your hands!
3. Text your ex!
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Nah nah! That’s the stupidest thing one can ever do! Do I have to explain this? Oh, c’mon! It does not matter how things ended, if you guys haven’t spoken to each other for the past six months, steer clear! Unless he just buzzed at your door with a bouquet of roses (how cliché!), and you want to be with him too and are more than happy about it! But if you guys ended it for the right reasons, I don’t see any point in getting back together again.
On the contrary, date a stranger! Tinder is not all stupid! Okay, don’t give me the spiel that it looks desperate! Just drop a line in the water and wait for the person to bite it! You won’t be meeting ‘The One’ but who said that was impossible! 😉 See, you always have a reason to put that lipstick on! 
4. Hate
It is not only stupid to hate this holiday, but more importantly, it is hypocritical! It is like saying, “I hate money, coz I don’t make much!” Don’t act as if of all the days, today, you hate PDA and people coochie-cooing because you aren’t getting any! Don’t you think that sounds more like you hating gifts because you got some real lousy ones for previous Christmases?
Instead of whining and moaning about it, do something fun! Take a little risk. Write a note on your cocktail napkin and slide it across to the guy you find the most attractive (make sure he is not taken, or else it’s pure evil!). May be you will never hear from him. But that does not matter. You are supposed to feel romantic on Valentine’s Day and only you can make yourself feel that way!
5. Fake a good time
Do not pretend to be having a good time on Valentine’s Day if you are hating it from the core of your heart. Save the act for Christmas, anniversaries, and birthdays when you have to deal with your family! Now that’s a different saga and I don’t want to get into it!
So this Valentine’s Day, go for a real filling meal. Where do you get that? At home, of course! So you were planning to eat out? Stahppp! Firstly, you won’t get a table, and secondly, pretense gets worse when you have to do it among 20 other couples, as miserable as you!
Suggested read: A single person’s thoughts on Valentine’s Day
6. Buy the following gifts
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Anything heart-shaped! From soaps to cakes to picture frames and tea bags. Just name it and you will have it. It’s a no-no from my side! Why? Well, for starters, they don’t even resemble hearts! Check out a butcher’s slab for further explanation!
Also, no surprising her with a pup! First of all, do you have any idea how difficult it is to pack a puppy?! You are sure to stun her, but unconscious is just not the same as surprised, you know!
Give her some money. What?!!! What is she, your sister? And what day is it, her birthday? If you ask for one definition of unromantic, this is definitely hard to beat!
A box of chocolates? This is the cliché that will make her fat, and you, unimaginative!
Finally, no poetry please. Especially the ones you have penned yourself. I am almost certain it is going to be awful! So save yourself from the trouble of bleeding at a pen and her through the ordeal of reading it and pretending to like it!
P.S.: Those moms and dads who send Valentine’s Day cards to their children, please don’t! It is weird. Save it for the other days that Hallmark makes huge bucks!
7. Go on your first ever date!
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Whoever suggests such stupid stunts… beware, my fists await you! As if first dates were not hard enough themselves, it occurring on a day like this is insurmountable pressure, dude! My bets are, you will either spend your evening with high but false expectations (I think he is THE ONE!), or you will be miserable throughout the date, wishing that you were at home in your PJs drinking wine to Dr Who! Valentine’s Day is not the day for risks, my friend! I suggest you reschedule your plans for the 14th or question his sanity (or insanity) if going out on V-day was his grand idea!
8. Re-enact the high-school vacations!
The last thing that should be on your plate for Valentine’s Day is your plans to drink your liver out of order! Dolling up and going out to paint the city red is perfectly alright, but channelling your inner ‘senior year spring vacation’ diva is not on our mind and hopefully not on yours either! Please understand that this is just another day on the calendar! You taking four shots of tequila will not sort your love life!
9. Not show any self-love!
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Never take yourself for granted on Valentine’s Day (or on any day for that matter!). Amidst the flowers and the candies and the romance-injected mayhem (!) please do whatever it takes to not feel unworthy! Your relationship status does NOT define you; YOU define it! Your value is a million times higher than your ability to snatch a significant other and change your Facebook status to ‘taken’!
Suggested read: 12 amazing tips on how to be single on Valentine’s Day
10. Make perfect but impossible plans!
Yes, I know! Valentine’s Day is the New Year’s Eve for us, couples in love! But babe, it is not a do or die situation… I mean, celebration! It will inevitably disappoint you if you make plans that are just too inflexible to be possible!
So you have been dreaming about it since you were in class 3 (How old were you?!!!) and have been scheduling it meticulously in the shower every evening! But a plan that will crash and burn if you both are 15 minutes late to dinner or maybe got a little lost while star gazing on the streets, is a rubbish plan! A planned date, oxymoron enough?!
And the worst thing that’s not on the list because it is too awful a thing to do on Valentine’s Day is cheating on your significant other! Who the hell does that?! Oh! Yes, there is another thing worse than this: passing out on the date! 😉
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