Most people wouldn’t admit to it, and they’d go on and on about how they’d never want to change a thing in their respective relationships. I guess that would make them look like they failed, or that they couldn’t live up to society’s unreasonable expectations of being the ‘perfect couple.’ Well, that does remind me of all the Facebook love birds whose hashtags read #RelationshipGoals, #MrAndMrsPerfect, #HappilyMarried, #BlessedToHave, etc., etc., Sometimes it does irritate me , but I can’t unfriend them because then I’d only have 50 friends on my Facebook friends list! So I simply scroll down, grinding my teeth.
Well, even though I am happily married to the man of my dreams (Oh there I go again! Please bear with me a little longer), sometimes I do secretly wish I could change a few things in my own relationship.
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A few years ago, I met an older couple who were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. When I looked at them, you could see that they were nothing like what you’d expect them to be, or rather what movies show how a couple married all those years look like. They weren’t the quintessential couple who was forever in love. They weren’t bragging about how they successfully made it to celebrate 40 years of togetherness. They were often breathing down each other’s necks, they had years of struggle where one made more sacrifices than the other, and they resented each other at times. They did love each other, but they agreed that sometimes the hatred took over the love a bit. They were brutally honest about their journey, and I was intrigued at some of the things they told me.
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So I set out to ask five different couples, who had either been with each other for a long time or who were married for a while, whether they would like to change something in their relationship if they got another chance. Here are some of the responses (combined).
1. Should have gotten married late
Ha Ha, Spot on! I’m sure a lot of us who are married did think about this at some point in our lives. Marriage is nice, but being single for a while is that much more special than being officially tied to each other. The two cannot be compared, because getting into a serious committed relationship has its own (dis)advantages. A lot of people wish they had taken more time before they plunged in feet first. When you look back, you wish you had delayed the process a little bit. I mean, what was the hurry? Now that you’re committed, there is no going back. You should have spent a little more time by yourself, doing whatever you wanted to do, which now needs consent or approval. Sigh.
2. Never compromise too much
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Exactly how much is too much? If you’re someone who has done a little more for your relationship than the other person, you know what I’m saying. While it’s alright to give in a little and compromise now and then, it takes a toll when the burden falls on one person all the time. When it hits the roof, you’d lose it completely. How many times do you make your partner feel like you’ve done a lot more for the relationship than them? Well, you see, that’s bad. If you have compromised and have kept score on the same, and take every opportunity to let your partner know that, then it means you are waiting for every opportunity to let them know that you have the upper hand.
3. Making more space for each other
By this I mean, giving each other their well-deserved freedom to do things the way they want to. Some couples think that since they’re married, they own the other person, and are often bossy with their partners. So when asked if they’d like to change something if given a chance, they wished they weren’t too controlling of the other person’s space and time. But they said that they were controlling only because they were possessive of their partners!
4. Not getting pissed off easily
This is something I want to change about myself. The fact that I can get cheesed off easily for something really silly sometimes, puts me in a bad mood. I wish I could learn the art of patience and be a little more tolerant towards my partner. Sometimes I just lose it and a lot of damage is done; so I want to change that about myself.
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5. Being selfless
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We’ve all been there, done that. I mean, don’t deny it now. How many times have you put yourself before anyone else? If you ask me, there isn’t anything particularly wrong about doing that, but sometimes a relationship needs more than just YOU. Think of the other person too.
6. Forgiveness
Have you had fights that have lasted for more than a day? Frankly, I’ve had them and I can say that without hesitation that they suck. The reason why this would happen is because of my inability to forgive the other person. So, yeah, the other thing I want to change is to be more forgiving towards my partner. It’s not easy to forgive at times, since your ego and anger stands in the way. But some couples do feel that if they were given a second chance in their relationship, they’d want to develop the quality of forgiveness.
7. Spend more time talking
It’s hard to ignore how the Internet and the plethora of gadgets available have taken over our daily lives. Everyone these days are hooked onto their cell phones or tablets. Constantly keeping in touch with the virtual world, ignoring the people around them. I walk into a restaurant, and I see couples seated on a table for two, a candle burning between them, and they are both on their phones! It’s really sad to see these things; no doubt technology has taken over the world, but in the bargain, we have forgotten to make genuine and meaningful conversation with each other. Some couples shamelessly admitted that they were addicted to their phones and wished they could spend more time with their partners by simply talking to them. The others agreed that this new-age bad habit has made them anti-social.
8. Saying ‘I love you’ often
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One particular couple narrated how one of them had skipped a fatal car accident once, and the only thing that was on their mind is that they would have regretted if they died without telling each other how much they mean to them. So say those three magical words as many times as possible. And mean it too.
9. Prioritizing the right things
Be it work, career, kids, your own family or friends in some cases. A couple rightly pointed out that sometimes our priorities are goofed up. We seem to go with the flow, which is not entirely bad, but sometimes it’s done at the cost of your beloved. That’s when your relationship takes a beating. So, if given another chance for a do-over, a couple clearly stated that they’d like to rework their priority list and start all over again.
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10. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes
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This one is probably one of the toughest things to do! It’s not easy to empathize always; it’s hard to imagine yourself in the other person’s situation. That’s how misunderstandings come to be. Because we don’t understand what the other person is going through in the first place! So, given a chance for a do-over, some people said that they’d like to be more understanding of what their partners are going through.
Sadly, we don’t always get another chance to scratch everything and start from the top. So, if you have been able to identify a few things you’d like to change in your relationship, we’d say you start doing it now. Like, right NOW! Why wait until it’s over or too late? If a little change can strengthen your bond with your loved one, why wait for anything else? It’s never too late to start now.
All the best!
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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