Your past shapes who you are in the present, sure. But if your past relationships are holding you back in giving your all to your current relationship, then it’s a problem.
Everybody and their uncle will tell you that the fastest way to get over someone is to get into a relationship with someone else. But when you do find someone new, what if you find yourself still obsessing over your ex? You might be dating someone new, but you may secretly dream of getting back with your ex. To actually get over your ex and your past relationship, you need to learn to accept that it just wasn’t meant to be, by accepting the end.
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Whether to hold on to your ex or let them go, is in your hands. You need to convince yourself that moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself. If, on the surface, you’re all about moving on, but inside, you secretly nurse the hope that your ex will come to their senses and get back together with you, then you’re just deluding yourself with a fantasy.
You need to learn to let go of your old love and past relationship to create, build, and sustain a new one. Remember, you broke up with your ex (or vice versa) for a reason. You can’t change what’s done, but to move on and look to the future. Nursing secret hopes of reconciling with your ex will only make you feel miserable and unhappy, even if you’re in a far better relationship than the one you had with your ex.
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Let’s make one thing clear: it’s completely okay for you to think fondly about your ex and reminisce about the good times. What is not okay is you not keeping the past in the past, with the past affecting your present, and your future too, to some extent. If you find yourself identifying with the things mentioned above, then you would probably do well to check out the signs that tell you that your past relationship is affecting your current one.
1. Making comparisons
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Do you find yourself comparing your current relationship with your past relationship? Do you compare your current partner with your ex? Just as no two people are like, no two relationships are the same. They have their own dynamic and traits. Stop comparing your current with the past, and just enjoy what you have at hand. It might not be perfect – no relationship ever is – but it works for you now, and that’s all that matters.
2. Bumping into your ex
Do you think up situations and scenarios where you bump into your ex? Do you feel exhilarated to think of them back in your life? Do you visualize how amazing it would be to go back to the way things were? If so, then you’re definitely still stuck in your past relationship, and this isn’t fair to you or to your current partner. Your current partner may be giving it their all to the relationship thinking you’re doing the same, but alas, you’re still hung up on your ex.
3. Talking about your ex
You’re not just content thinking up situations with your ex playing a starring role in them, no. You can’t shut up about them either. Talking about your ex, reminiscing about the ‘good’ times, is a way of keeping the memories of your ex fresh. It’s not talking about the good times, but if you find yourself bitching and moaning about your ex, that is also a clear sign that you haven’t moved on from your past relationship as you claim to have.
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4. Dreaming about your ex
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You can’t control what you dream about when you’re sleeping, sure. That is not what this is about. If you spend an inordinate amount of time daydreaming about your ex, their stellar qualities, how you two could have had it all, or even bumping into them in a random place and spending hours on end talking about anything and everything, you’re clearly not over them yet. You’re still too very hung up on them, and you need to work really hard to move on.
5. Dating like it’s going out of fashion
This is another extreme. You left your ex and your past relationship behind, great. But if you jump in feet first into the dating pool and start dating every random person that comes your way, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. You may think that by dating every other person you cross paths with will show your ex how desirable and wanted you are by other people, but at the end of the day, you’ll only feel hollow inside. Date other people only if you want to, not because you need to.
6. Stalking your ex online
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Do you keep track of their social media accounts – what they post, where they went and with whom, what they did and what they’re feeling? Agreed that your stalker tendencies are hard to quell soon after a breakup. But if you find yourself doing it even after a significant amount of time has passed, then you’re clearly not over your ex. You may even be obsessed with them, and you need help – professional, preferably. Until you’re ready to let them go and move on, your ex will dominate your thoughts, actions, and feelings, and your life too.
7. Hearing about your ex
Perhaps you both share a few friends, and this is a good source of any news pertaining to them. And you’re beyond excited to listen to anything relating to them – it may be about their job, their dog, or a new person in their life. Your brain might know that it’s unhealthy for you to be obsessed with your ex, but your heart just isn’t ready to listen to reason. Beware, you have all the qualifications of becoming a certified stalker!
8. Willing to have an affair
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If you’ve convinced yourself that an affair with your ex is worth it to the detriment of your current relationship, then you, my friend, are still stuck in your past relationship, with your ex still holding your heart. In your head, you’ve built up this perfect scenario that your ex wouldn’t just settle for a short affair, that they’ll realize what a mistake it was to breakup, and that they would be willing to give your long-buried relationship another chance. Now, how is there a possibility of your current relationship working, if you’re still thinking of ways to get your ex into your bed?
9. Fantasizing about your ex
Once in a while, it’s natural to fantasize about a celebrity or a person you think is hot while in bed with your partner. However, if you always visualize your ex while you’re being intimate with your partner, you’re only driving yourself away from your current relationship. It just isn’t fair to your current partner, while you build castles in the air, which will eventually end up hurting you – badly.
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10. Unwilling to move on
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The relationship may be over, it may be done and dusted – for all intents and purposes, but hope springs eternal. There’s this irrational hope that they might one day realize their folly and come back. That you two are meant to be together, even with overwhelming evidence to the contrary. That you two are just ‘perfect’ for each other. If you’ve never gotten over your ex and use your current relationship to fill the void left behind by your past relationship, you’re deluding yourself, and it will be very hard for you to experience a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.
As mentioned above, hope does spring eternal. But you might do well to learn that hope and wishful thinking aren’t the same thing. What you’re expecting to happen – getting back together with your ex – may never happen. And you know what, the odds of having a successful, fulfilling, and healthy relationship with your ex are very slim. Remember, you broke up for a reason, and that reason will still be there even if you do get back together. The same problems, issues, and arguments will crop up again, and the cycle continues.
The best thing you can do is to learn to let go of the past, and move on. Sure, it’s not easy, but if you really try, you will be able to move on from your ex. Live in the present, focus all your energies and efforts into making your current relationship a good, strong, and healthy one. Your past in the past for a reason. Let it be behind you, while you focus on moving forward, toward a future with your current partner.
Good luck!
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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