As Oscar Wilde, the master of wit, once said in one of his plays, divorces are made in heaven just like marriages are. As much as we don’t want to believe it, not all marriages end in a fairytale with the couple growing old together happily ever after. Sometimes people and relationships simply fall apart.
However, it is extremely difficult to determine whether you and your spouse have fallen out of love with each other, especially when you have been together for a long time.
Suggested read: Marriage advice – the comprehensive guide
Here are some signs that you are indeed in a loveless marriage that has no other solution outside of separation.
1. You are being taken for granted
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Marriages tend to fall apart when couples take each other for granted and forget that they are still responsible to care for each other’s well-being. It’s not just about going out for a surprise dinner, buying a present, or going for a vacation; it’s also about doing those little things that may seem like small gestures but help keep the marriage alive. After all, you cannot make a marriage last without making an effort. However, if you do start to feel that way, then chances are high that something has to be done.
2. You no longer feel important
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There was a time in your marriage when you supported each other’s dreams and aspirations and encouraged each other to achieve them. But that seems to be long gone; all that is left is empty silences and cold shoulders. Now, your partner does not have the time to listen to you when you want to sit down and talk to them about what is troubling you, within and outside of the relationship. No matter how hard you are trying to be vocal, your words are falling on deaf ears.
The most important tool in your marriage is communicating properly to one another, and when you fail to do that, you have to accept that there isn’t much left in your marriage anymore. Marriage starts with couples being best friends, and such a situation can lead couples to end up being enemies – or worse, strangers. This transition occurs only as a result of poor communication, failed expectations, and personal failure.
3. Constant criticism, a major relationship destroyer
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One of the most destructive behaviors in a marriage is when one starts criticizing their partner for every little mistake or reason. By being demeaning, one is trying to prove that they are in a superior position to point out their partner’s defects – real or perceived. It feels demoralizing and insulting, and after a certain point both of you will tend to lose all respect and love for the other. If one is constantly passing negative and vengeful statements for petty issues, then this will eventually ruin the connection you share.
On the contrary, marriage should be about making compromises and living with the shortcomings of each other, keeping in mind the positive attributes that make them so amazing. It is an inevitable sign that your marriage is coming to an end when this mentality is replaced by negative thoughts. Marriage is a result of trust and dependence, and by negating every little thing that a partner does, one simply loses that initial trust, putting the marriage at stake.
4. Even those fights don’t take place anymore
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If, as a couple, you have stopped fighting altogether, it is an evident sign that there is a severe lack of love in your marriage. Usually fights are said to be ugly and damaging to the mind and soul, but the fact that you fight obviously means that the two of you care. Moreover, there will be a reconciliation afterwards that brings about a whole new phase of intimacy and the need for being with one another.
On the other hand, if you do still fight but leave it unresolved as neither of you could be bothered to mend your relationship, then that is bad news. That only further heightens the sense of distance and disengagement between the two of you.
Suggested read: 10 ways to build intimacy in your marriage
5. You quit paying attention
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Your marriage requires a lot of attention, from your relationship with your spouse to the minute details of running a household. If you have stopped thinking about these things and do not pay that much attention, then your marriage is definitely at stake. Do not neglect paying attention to your spouse if they are having a tough time at work, or if an important person in their family has passed away; and they should do the same for you. A lack of attention is a big sign of a loveless marriage.
6. You start thinking about how terrific your life used to be before your marriage
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If there isn’t much left in your marriage to look forward to any more, then these thoughts about escaping it may actually make you feel positive. You start fantasizing about a future where you won’t have your spouse around, a future in which your spouse plays absolutely no part at all. This is scary. It certainly means that your marriage to you is a kind of a state of captivity and you would like nothing better than to escape it.
It often so happens that, unbeknownst to yourself, you are detaching yourself emotionally from your marriage, which is your first step in stepping out of your married life. This means you are officially no longer in love with your spouse. Though this is bad for your marriage, this can be your cue to plan your future life the way you want to. After all, won’t that be better than staying in a loveless marriage?
7. You are too concerned about the needs of other people
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There might come a time in your marriage when you start becoming overly caught up in the problems of the people around you. You start getting involved in whatever crisis your family or friends may be facing, so much so that you forget the role that you play in your marriage.
Psychologists have said that people whose marriages tend to start falling apart try to play an active role to help the people around them. It is an involuntary gesture to deviate themselves from the greater problem that they are facing in their own lives. It may give you temporary relief, but it cannot be the permanent solution.
8. You have started to ignore your own instincts
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There are two distinct voices in you – one of your reasonable mind, and the other of your instinct. If you are living in a loveless marriage, in thinking about your situation you may start to suppress the voice of your instinct to let your logical mind talk. After all, isn’t that why you turned to this list to seek out a logical analysis of your relationship?
9. It is a little too late
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Every marriage starts with the honeymoon period, when everything was new and unexpected and exciting. Eventually, a routine sets in, which the couple has to follow in order to live a normal, healthy life. The day-to-day becomes familiar and they can’t possibly imagine thinking out of the box.
But such a situation is different from an utter loveless marriage. If you are experiencing a loveless marriage, then the best solution is to seek therapy before it is too late. It often so happens that couples seek therapy when it is actually too late to salvage the situation, and the marriage eventually fails to work out anyway.
Suggested read: Marriage advice for newlyweds to lay a strong foundation
10. There’s no chance of reviving your relationship
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If you have already tried everything possible to save your marriage from falling apart, like changing your routine, improving the way you two communicate, couples therapy, or anything of that sort, and your relationship is simply still not happy, then your marriage is destroyed beyond revival. In this case, you have to persuade yourself that you are stranded in a loveless marriage and should prepare yourself to walk out of it.
If you are stuck in a loveless marriage, then it is certainly time for you to think everything through and decide whether it would be possible for you to continue with the marriage or if you would be better off separated. If you decide that you want to go for the latter option, then there can hardly be any benefit in waiting for things to improve. However, this is a monumental life decision that will affect your immediate family, including both your children and your parents, as well as your emotional state as an independent adult. Do take time to make sure you have made all considerations carefully before making such a choice.
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