“Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
So here’s my number
Let’s marry maybe!”
Eh, you might want to think again.
In the “Last Kiss” there is a line that goes, “Did you know that the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to the age of 30?” It seems funny until you realize that you’ve been stuck in the same stagnant relationship for half of your 20s, which makes you nervously laugh even harder for some reason. Jokes aside, surveys say that 75% of the men who marry their girlfriends will soon divorce them shortly thereafter. Many times, it seems, popping the question may actually be the quickest way to kill your relationship.
Suggested read: 10 common mistakes ALL men make in a relationship
So, you ask, what are the reasons for why you shouldn’t marry your long-time girlfriend? New Love Times, at your service always, is here to share a few reasons not to get married to your girlfriend!
1. I knew you were trouble when you walked in!
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Like a true adventurer, you started dating this girl as part of a ‘dare.’ It has been a fun ride, but you have known all along that she is not the one you want to settle down with. Being with her gives you an adrenaline rush, but prolonged exposure to a stimulus of that magnitude can send you into cardiac arrest. Her world “moves too fast” and “burns too bright.” She is great fun to be with, but can’t be brought home. You both have never discussed love, life or any other serious matters that should constitute a weighty proportion of any healthy relationship. On the contrary, she is too busy getting her fix of adventures to worry about trivialities like marriage. That should be your first sign, right there.
2. She’s a teaser, not a pleaser
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She teased you into your relationship and she makes an effort to keep up the barrage of semi-offensive wordplay, just as she has in all of her past relationships. She may not be taking her flirty whims to bed, but she enjoys all the attention that you give her when she is cheeky. Can you imagine marrying a woman like that? You’ll always have to be on guard, and you won’t want to introduce her to your friends, family or other important people in your life. A little bit of biting wit can spice up any relationship, but there’s a point where it’s not funny anymore.
3. Regina George calling!
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Marriage vows with a woman who might not even agree on the “I do” part are doomed to be broken. Joey marking Ross’s profession as “Dinosaurs” is cute, but your girlfriend being sarcastic about the work you do is not cool. She likes to mock you about who you are or what you do, playing off scornful insults as playful jokes. Your dreams, your hopes, and desires… to her, anyone searching for such items might as well find an “Error. Not Found,” message. When it comes to being bossy, she even gives Sandra Bullock in “The Proposal” a run for her money! She’s impolite and spiteful; two reasons that you two should definitely not get married to her.
4. Call me when you’re sober
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To borrow from Salinger, why not to get married to a girl “as sensitive as a toilet seat”? Well, for one, she can give an anti-depressant some reason to cry. Considering she can’t see the difference between being depressed all of the time and going through a depression, she probably belongs to Group #1. She will always be super articulate in telling you why she is so miserable, explaining every measly detail. A week into marriage and you will be just another one of these reasons behind her blues, eventually coming to embody them all in one convenient scapegoat. She is friendless, jobless, and hobby less. If your girlfriend shares these eerie similarities to a character straight out of “Gone Girl,” cut it off while you still can. You don’t want to become Nick Dunne, do you? This my friend, is one of the top reasons not to get married to your girlfriend!
Suggested read: 20 things women want men to know about relationships
5. Comfortably numb?!
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The tone of your relationship with your girlfriend gives you all the hints you want! Some relationships have a tinge of prickliness, while others just feel outright negative. Some bonds are a passionate roller coaster, while others are numbingly plain. In the latter category, you don’t find yourself enthusiastic about meeting her on the weekends or kissing her when no one else is around. Your typical Saturday night involves a movie night so devoid of talking that the only movie you can justify watching is “The Silence of the Lambs”! Quite frankly, the magic is missing and both of you are too tired to rekindle the flame. And you say you need reasons not to get married!
6. Sunshine when she’s gone!
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You tell her you’ll miss her and that each day will be like a year apart, but in your heart you are cursing the so-called boons of technology that ruin any chance of personal space. You would rather her to go missing than to genuinely miss her. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Well, let’s hope it does, because in these few days without her, she’s the last thing on your mind. When you’d rather set up plans with friends than call her when she is away, it should be obvious: promising to uphold “’Til death do us part” may be a bit too ambitious.
7. Parental guidance!
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She is “not interested” in meeting your family and she hasn’t introduced you to her parents either. Knowing the monsters-in-law is an indication that you guys are serious about taking your relationship to the next level; if you can’t trust each other to make a good enough impression with your family, marriage probably isn’t in the cards. Moreover, the looks that your friends throw at you when she walks in are looks of absolute pity, expressions that are better saved for a funeral!
8. I see right through you!
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Brave are those who get married even after knowing everything about the other person! Saying, “Baby, don’t change ever. You are impeccable the way you are!” may sound romantic, but it doesn’t always turn out so peachy. Imagine knowing exactly what she is thinking, how she’ll react, what stories she’ll cite in a given situation and what genre of lies that she will try to use on you, just as she has on countless others before. The truth is, having a completely transparent or, even worse, a completely predictable wife would be a bit of a nightmare. The “bedtime” tragedy of this “story” is that you can discern when she’s faking it in bed just as easily as when she’s faking love.
9. All the things I’d do if I had a li’l money!
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Honey, show me the money! If you’ve been smart enough to realize that she is financially using you despite being well-off herself, it’s time to cut it off! She keeps advancing the idea of you working extra shifts, claiming that she’ll be quitting her job soon in order to look after the house (not yet bought), the kids (not yet born), and the dog (not yet discovered). She has already decided where you will go for your honeymoon, how many guests should be invited to the wedding, where your kids will be schooled, and when you should move to the Upper East Side! She substantiates all of these demands by saying that she’s concerned about “our future.” At this point, the future is the last place you want to see her… so start living in the present, and leave her in the past!
Suggested read: What you MUST know about on-again off-again relationships
10. Monica Geller becomes her!
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Behind every nagging girlfriend is a boyfriend confused to the t! She is allergic to your happiness. She continuously shuts down your nights out with friends and stares daggers every time she sees you with other girls. She is an argumentative OCD; getting in an argument with her is like getting detained because “everything you say, can and will be used against you!” She is not happy unless you are freaked out, nauseated or otherwise completely dependent on her.
Have you seen these reasons in some of your past relationships? What ended up happening between you two? Chime in below in the comments!
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