The Instagram poet, going by the name Nurul AK (@nurul.ak) writes beautiful poetry, spread across slides, capturing the poignancy of heartbreak, abandonment, and the process of coming to terms with it. Their work makes you feel acknowledged, less alone, and makes your struggles a little more coherent.
Suggested read: Read The Best Elegy Poems Ever Written Right Here!
Here is a compilation of 10 Nurul AK poems that I love the most:
1.
“text me when you have reached home.
i want to hear about your day.
take my umbrella, it’s raining.
stop biting your nails.
watch your step.
i can drive you to work today.
i got this because it reminded me of you.
i can help you with cooking tonight.
want to order pizza and talk?
i will stay.”
Being in love is a lot about taking care of your partner. It is about showing them the brighter side of life when darkness looms ahead. It is about being the light at the end of the tunnel when they cannot claw their way out. It is asking, offering, wanting to give them the world.
2.
“loving you is like waiting at the
airport for the luggage to move up the belt,
not quite sure if it would be there
or if it would be lost along the journey.
the uncertainties should kill me
but just looking at the way you smile for me
everything just seems to fall into place.
you are my backstage, my curtains down. my show is over.
i could always be myself when i am with you.
one look at you and i have always known that
i would want to love you
until i do not have to touch you to be able to feel you
and then i would love you some more.”
This is my favorite among all of the Nurul AK poems. Love is never the solution, but almost often the balm on a prickly wound. It shields you, it expects little, it gives more than it can hold. Love is gratitude, understanding, remembrance, all rolled into one. The tiniest details of your lover’s face, their hands, their gestures, are enough dopamine to see you through the tough times.
3.
“maybe when people ask why we did not work,
i would tell them that your arms were an ocean
and i could not swim without the fear of drowning.
i would tell them that your mouth was a moving promises,
and my bones were so full of them,
that there was no space left for more.
and maybe when people ask why all these excuses for you,
i would tell them that maybe,
this is me forgiving each and every one of our flaws.”
We carry the memories of our exes like anchors hanging from our bones. We go through those lines, those fights, the things half-meant, over and over again, until we can see another side. Remembering helps forgive, sometimes. It aches, it pains like a thousand needles pricking into your soul, but then, one day, it is free to leave you.
4.
“when it comes to missing you,
i am more my six-year-old self than who i am now.
with wide eyes and ridiculous wants and hardness of letting go.
i want you here. i want you back.
i just want you.
when it comes to missing you,
i learned fast how to make promises i never really wanted.
i learned that i could beg and let go just to beg all over again.
this time, i promise not to save you.
this time, i promise i will only love you.”
Healing can sometimes feel like abandoning a home you love very much. A dilapidated home that is a threat to your bones, to your safety, to your wellbeing, but your home all the same. The temptation to stay back within the familiar quarters, is overbearing, but one must be able to save themselves before they can set out to save the others.
Suggested read: Someone Who Dared To Disturb The Universe: Best Poems by T.S. Eliot
5.
“i talk to my mother about you.
about how you broke my heart
and how i might have done worse on yours.
i told her that lately you felt like a lost person
and that you do not want to be found anymore.
there’s nothing harder than loving someone who doesn’t want to be loved,
mother said and maybe it is time to admit that
i have been holding onto things that do not want to stay.
that i only grew nails
to have something to blame for the way my skin bleeds.”
Mothers see right through you, don’t they? It takes them a quarter of a second to figure out that something is off. No amount of covering up has ever been able to fool the motherly instinct. They are also the strongest guiding light leading you out of sadness. Through some strange universal magic, mothers always know the right thing to say that will set you sailing forward in the path of healing.
6.
“give me all those lazy mornings.
the up lates. the fake sick excuses. the stay ins.
the cereals in bed at eleven. the way i fit in the crook of your arms.
give me all those fights.
the yellings. the door slammings. the miseries.
and the assurance that we still care enough to make it work.
give me all those imperfections.
the half dead flowers. the late turn ups. the mistakes.
the flawed, beautiful parts of you.
give me all of it. i would like to love them too.”
Being in love is hardly restricted to the ‘i love you’s. It is all the little things that become a daily part of our routine. Once a person vanishes from your life, you miss them in the daily routine that you are so accustomed to. Your coffee tray always seems one cup short, your take-out dinner is always too much for one person, you have complete monopoly over what to stream on Netflix, but it does not spark joy. You love a person first, but remember them for all the things you did together.
7.
“ever since you,
my heart is a field unattended.
a lot less wide now and a lot more hurtful to look at.
ever since you,
my heart is a constant itch begging to be clawed.
what if. what if. what if. what if.
ever since you,
my heart is a mourning widow.
all your belongings removed but your smell lingered for weeks.
ever since you,
my heart had forgotten what day it was.
body up by three but still asleep for months.
ever since you,
my heart is a confused being.
over your existence but still in love with the idea of you.”
The in-between-ness of loving and leaving is the most torturous part of any relationship. In this space you are not sure whether to love or to let go. The memories haunt you, pulling you back into the old shell of warmth and residual comfort. It begs to be destroyed, to be torn apart, only for the sake of familiarity. The cycle continues, until one breaks free from the toxic allurement, only to rush back into it again.
8.
“ don’t ask me how it’s like to love you. it has never been just one thing.
sometimes, loving you makes me think about cheesy movie lines like,
you’re a mess but you’re my mess.
and other times, i am still trying not to be scared of words like,
i think i might love you.
but most times, the thought of loving you is so ridiculous
it makes me laugh.
because you are to me, almost like an intangible thing.
something i couldn’t exactly hold onto.
like soft clouds, like steam off of my hot cup of tea. like breeze.
like something i should not be able to love. ”
When being asked to define love, one filters a barrage of potential answers. Do I love you for your face? Do I love you for the way you make me feel? Do I love you because you love me more than I could ever love myself? In the end, the realization that a conclusion is impossible, also traces out the effervescence of love itself. It has no concrete form, and therefore cannot be captured, or chained.
9.
“sometimes being strong is
to have his name in your head
but not in your contact list anymore.
to have your head on your mother’s lap when it gets heavy.
to say no when your friends think you need to get out more.
to tell your father that the bed does not feel like a bed anymore.
to see his smiles on other people’s faces
but smile back nonetheless.
to gather your own loneliness
and make a friend out of it.”
There is an all-consuming hollow that engulfs us once our partner leaves. We are suddenly faced with ourselves, our true selves, without any filter, without any white noise cancelling out our inner voice, without anything larger to distract ourselves with. For people who are not familiar with themselves, and have never loved or lived solely with their own selves, suddenly being made to be the sole audience to their life is stressful. But in the end, it is more rewarding, and completely worth it. Nurul AK poems help you grow closer to yourself.
10.
“i do not know if i should tell you
that it hurts a little less these days,
or to tell you that our parting still sits on my chest
like an unwelcome pressure.
just so you know that i had loved you so hard,
that my body still does not know
how to deal with the withdrawal of you.
so for now, i will treat this pressure like a child
and cry when it is finally ready
to pack its bags and leave.”
The pain leaves. It eventually packs up, gathers its belongings, revises the cuts it has made on your soul, and grudgingly move out of your system. It is not here to stay, and that is important to remember. For one can always go into any sort of battle, if you promise that they will be around to see the other side of it.
Suggested read: Alice Walker, The Author Of The Color Purple And Many Beautifully Wise Poems
I promise that you will be here- alive, safe, and perpetually healing. If only you give yourself the chance.
Featured image source: Instagram
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