A few years ago, two of my close friends got married to their significant others. They dated, got to know each other, proclaimed their love in their own unique ways, and got hitched, and lived happily ever after. Um… the last part is kinda sketchy because every couple has their own version of HEA… or not, depending on who you ask and how candid they are with you.
Anyway, one of these couples – let’s call them couple #1 – would make goo goo eyes at each other, making cooing noises when they were in the same vicinity, and couldn’t keep their hands off each other, when they first got together. It was seriously gross for anybody who was unfortunate enough to be in the same room as these two. Gack!
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The other couple – couple #2, if you will – were a relatively sedate pair, who seemed to have whole conversations with just a look across a crowded room, or a squeeze of hands. They both seemed solid in their commitment to each other and their relationship, while also consciously making time for each other and their individual selves. There seemed to be perfect harmony between these two; while it was mellow and sedate when compared to couple #1, they seemed sure about each other. in knowledge that their relationship was built to last.
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[Note: I’m in NO way suggesting that one way of behaving and acting in a relationship is better than the other, or that you need to be a certain way to make a success of your relationship. This is my observations, that I’m stating here.]
Now, after all these years of their marriage, both couples have come a long way from their initial days of wooing and goofing around. What is the state of their marriage then? While both couples faced and endured their own sets of hardships and triumphs – both big and small – couple #1 barely exchanges a few sentences civilly, couple #2 is going strong. To be honest, I thought it was couple #1 who I thought would last, while couple #2 would struggle.
So what went wrong then? Did something actually go wrong to begin with? What was the tipping point? When I spoke to my friends, they had too many things to say and too little to admit they had done anything wrong by themselves. When I was able to remove the chaff from the grains, is when I realized they had fallen into the trap of buying into many of the oft-perpetuated myths about marriage.
Though saddened by that fact, I decided to debunk these myths about marriage that are perpetuated by many, without care as to how much potential these have in bringing down a healthy relationship.
Myth #1: Marriage is where romance goes to die a slow, painful, and silent death.
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First of all, what is romance? Is it bringing your wife flowers every other day? Or cooking your husband’s favorite dish now and then? Or buying expensive jewelry or gadget(s) to show how much you love your spouse? You see, while these are nice and sometimes necessary to add a spark to your romance, they are not all there is to romance. In fact, the very definition of romance changes as you grow older and see and understand more facets of your spouse’s personality. It never remains the same. Who knows, as time goes by, putting the kids to bed and doing the dishes will become the epitome of romance, while flowers and jewelry and gadgets may seem superficial in comparison!
Another thing here is that romance doesn’t die if you don’t allow it to. It’s all in how much you’re willing to put in to the relationship and how hard you want to make it last. The thing is, you just need the will and commitment to keep that spark, that connection alive. And keeping the romance alive doesn’t require you to burn a hole in your pocket or work yourself up into a frenzy. You need to be perceptive to your spouse’s needs and act accordingly.
Myth #2: Your sex life goes downhill after marriage.
This is one of the most common marriage myths that are perpetuated without care for how potent it can be if you let it. Yes, as time passes and you grow secure in your relationship, things in the bedroom do get kind of routine and/or less passionate, even suffer from a lack of spontaneity. However, with age and wisdom and experience come intimacy and trust that is unparalleled. You absolutely trust your spouse with your body, without care for any hangups about your body or the way you look. This trust will only make everything sweeter, rather than sour.
Granted that the action between the sheets may have been hotter and more passionate when you were dating, but married action between the sheets takes the cake because of the level of trust and intimacy you’ve achieved over time. Plus, when you’re comfortable with each other intimately, you’re more open to experimentation and figuring out what works and what doesn’t, with the chance of laughing off any goof ups in that department!
Suggested read: I want to get married: Why you need to stop obsessing about tying the knot
Myth #3: Arguments only crop up between unhappy couples.
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Let’s make one thing clear: every couple argues – there is no exception. If a couple says that they don’t argue, they’re lying; it’s that simple. Truth is, if you don’t argue as a couple, then there’s something seriously wrong with you – no other explanation for it! It doesn’t matter if you’re the epitome of a loving couple, it doesn’t matter if you’re the most compatible couple ever, disagreements are a part and parcel of any relationship. They are bound to happen. However, just because you argue and/or have disagreements doesn’t mean you’re unhappy or that your relationship is in ruins. It’s how you resolve conflicts and disagreements by communicating effectively that sets you apart from other, less successful relationships.
You know that communication is key when it comes to a healthy, stable, and functional relationship, right? So if you have got that figured out, then you’re set.
Myth #4: Marrying “the one” means we will always be in love.
This myth is thanks to our culture that feeds us day in and day out about finding ‘the one,’ the soul mate. That if you just find that one elusive person, you will always be in love, that your passionate feelings will never fade, that you would rarely have any disagreements, if ever, that you’ll want to go at it like bunnies, that every day of marriage is akin to living out your own version of a Disney fairy tale.
However, reality is one hard pill to swallow, if you give in to this myth, because when you wake up one day and all these feelings are not there, you start to assume that you might have made a mistake in choosing your partner. That your ‘soul mate,’ ‘the one’ you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with, is still out there. Although compatibility does play a strong role in making any marriage work, it requires equal amounts of commitment and hard work to make it a success, if not more.
Myth #5: If you have a baby, it will fix everything.
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Babies bring so much joy and happiness into their parents’ lives, that it seems like they have the power to fix everything. That there’s no way that parents could feel anything even remotely negative, when there’s so much happiness in their lives. However, what you need to realize is that babies add to your existing responsibility, and could even go so far as to put further strain on your marriage.
Also, another thing to note is that no matter how many babies you have, the underlying issues you and your spouse have been dealing with, are still there, unless you address it. Having a baby is no magic pill; only when you address what’s wrong, will you be able to make a successful go at your marriage.
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Myth #6: If my spouse really loves me, they will change themselves for me.
So you love your spouse, but you hate the fact that they’re insecure or money-minded or narrow-minded, or something else entirely, that doesn’t fit with your idea of a mate. What do you do? You try to change your spouse. It could be the other way too – where your spouse is trying to change who you are, and it’s frustrating the heck out of you. In fact, both scenarios are equally frustrating and exhausting.
It’s not natural to expect your spouse to change themselves or for you to change yourself just because you love each other. That’s just manipulation disguised as love, that’s not conducive to a stable and healthy marriage. While making adjustments and compromises in a marriage is okay, these shouldn’t be at the expense of you losing your identity in the process, or your spouse feeling that way. What you need to realize and understand is that it’s not your job to ‘fix’ or ‘change’ your spouse. Your only job is to love them for who they are, just the way they are; else, it’s not love at all.
Myth #7: All you need is love.
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The Beatles crooned that love is all you need, but it’s not all you need to make a relationship, a marriage, work. While it is an integral component of a successful marriage, married couples need to be able to be there for each other, make tough decisions with far-reaching consequences, and navigate many hardships together. One of the most common things that brings up disagreements between spouses is managing finances. Both of you need to take equal responsibility for dealing with expenses and savings. If you disagree on money matters, no amount of love will help you fix what’s broken.
Myth #8: If your partner loves you, they will know what’s wrong, how you feel, and what you need.
#BubbleBurst Your spouse can’t read your mind! No matter how much your spouse loves you or how much you love them, it doesn’t magically give you the ability to read each other’s minds. All it does is a breakdown of communication, which leads to the perceived ‘wrong’ partner to think that the other person doesn’t care or love them enough. The very idea that you need to break it down to your partner about how you feel and what you need from them, breeds a lot of anger and resentment towards the perceived ‘clueless’ partner.
Just stop and think for a second: How is this fair to you or to your ‘clueless’ spouse? In what universe? If you need anything, if you feel wronged, if you need reassurance, if you need an apology, if you feel insecure, open your mouth and talk; communicate, for no relationship ever succeeded by giving the silent treatment with the expectation that if your partner loves you enough, they will just know what you need and want.
Myth #9: You always put your kids’ needs before your own, and certainly your marriage’s.
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If you’re a parent, there is this undeniable urge to protect your kid(s) from anything and everything bad there is. You’d even lay down your life if that’s what it takes to keep them safe. Parenthood definitely takes a lot of selflessness on your partner, for sure. However, sacrificing your marriage and your relationship with your spouse on the altar of parenthood is a no-no. Many couples make the mistake of putting their marriage on the back burner while devoting all of their attention on their kids. While this is great for your kids, it’s not so great for your marriage or your spouse. What happens at a later date is that you wake up and realize that there’s nothing left in your marriage, that you and your spouse have practically become strangers.
Make your marriage an example of a loving, committed, and healthy relationship, that will give your kids the security and the confidence to forge such relationships in their own lives. Your marriage should make your kids aspire to have a similar one with someone someday. Isn’t that one of the greatest gifts you could give to your kids?
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Myth #10: If things aren’t working out, you’d probably be better off with someone else.
If you’re always on the lookout for an exit strategy, or fantasize about a life with someone else constantly, then your marriage is bound to be doomed. When you’re in a marriage, you work through the challenges and issues together, a result of which is you come out on the other side stronger for it. Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but just two imperfect people who make it work, by refusing to give up on their relationship or on each other.
Couple #2 seems to have NOT given into these myths, while the same can’t be said of the other couple. Of course, it’s easy to comment and pass judgment when you’re outside of the relationship looking in, because only the two people involved know what is happening in their relationship.
If you’re getting married or are planning to in the near future, you need to be aware of these myths about marriage and resist giving in to them. You’ve been warned!
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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