You two look at each other with loving gazes, talk to each other for hours, think about each other when you fall asleep, and know you are both in love. You had the most fun times with each other and months have passed where you finally think that you need to be taking it to the next level. But when you ask your lover, they start to hesitate, deflect from the conversation, and make excuses. At this point, you realize what you have accidentally done; you’ve fallen in love with a commitment phobe.
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Commitment phobes are the ones who love their partners, but cannot commit to anything serious. They run away from the idea of marriage or any type of serious commitment, and their escapism generally takes a toll on the relationship. If you are with a commitment phobe, you may notice disinterest or apathy whenever you bring up the future.
Suggested read: Dear Commitment-phobic women, you are not alone
Dating a commitment phobe is not simple. Yes, they love you, but there are brutal truths that you must recognize if this type of relationship will work. Here are 10 that you might relate to:
1. There is much less certainty in the relationship
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We are not only talking about marriage and the distant future, but also about the little things in the very near future. Your commitment phobic lover might not confirm on dates, weekend plans, or even vacations until the last minute. They are always thinking if they are going to be able to do it without backing out at the last minute.
You are going to be hanging in the balance of uncertainty. Even worse, you will not always be able to directly blame them for it because sometimes the excuses that they present to you for not being able to commit seem reasonable. Other times, though, these excuses are out of the blue, which can make you feel frustrated or neglected.
2. You have an active sex life, but they might also be disloyal
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Most commitment phobes are afraid of the future, and thus, act in the present. This fear will lead them to be sexually promiscuous, which often goes unnoticed in the start of the relationship.
Eventually, this promiscuity will make you wonder if your partner is cheating on you. At the end of the day, this is only supported by their lack of commitment in other areas of your relationship.
3. You don’t know how they feel
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They will have friends who love them and are willing to do anything for them. You will also see that their friends and family are connected, but your partner is not going to define any relationship properly and will always keep you guessing if he/she really likes them or not.
This non-definition of relationships in their life is going to affect your relationship as well, since you will not know what kind of behavior to maintain with them.
4. Displays of affection are rare
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You are not going to be hearing the romantic words ‘love, life, forever’ often from them. If you happen to mention them, your partner may zone out or change the subject. These are the people who are simply afraid of telling someone something that absolute.
This probably has nothing to do with you; it is your partner who is fearful. In many cases, it is also the fear of not being able to fulfill expectations which leads to commitment phobia.
5. They are not interested in your friends or family
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Because you love this person, you want to introduce them to the people that you care about. Likewise, you want them to be interested in the people who are important to you so that a mutual bond can form. Sadly, when dating a commitment phobe, you are going to be deprived of that satisfaction.
Commitment phobes are not going to declare to the world that they are dating you seriously. They will not get close to people you care about because they do not want to be questioned when the relationship is over. So when you are out with your friends, it is most likely that your partner is not going to join you.
Suggested read: Showing your love and commitment to your partner in 10 easy steps
6. You never know what is coming next
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Commitment phobes are unpredictable. You will never be able to understand or predict what they want. They might be sad, unhappy, and upset about something, but they will most likely push you away if you try to help. While you may understand what they want, they themselves are not quite sure of what they want from the relationship or life in general.
One minute you might be dressing up for a romantic date with your partner, and the next thing you know, there is a change of plans and they don’t show up.
7. You have to work hard to get the obvious things
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When in a relationship, it is typically a given that some things are going to be taken care of. You might think that your partner is going to tell you if they are upset, ask you for your time when they need it, or communicate to you that they do not appreciate something that you are doing. You are expecting an openness between the two of you, without hesitation.
In the world of dating a commitment phobe, this is not going to happen. Your commitment phobic partner is not going to let themself get used to you. They will not ask you for anything and will definitely not ask you to make changes to yourself for their sake. Therefore, you are going to have to figure it out yourself each time.
8. You have to deal with a lot of things from the past
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A commitment phobe was probably not born like this. They are most likely hardened by certain life experiences. To be in a successful and happy relationship with a commitment phobe, you are going to have to sit through their entire life and assure them that now—the present—is different. That they can be part of a healthy, enjoyable relationship even if they commit.
If you choose to walk away because your partner cannot commit, they are not going to be able to commit in the future as well. It is your choice to make, but if you choose to stay, this is one of the big truths that you will have to face.
9. They may resent you along the way
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They do not want to commit to the future; they want to live in the present. When they have to miss something exciting because of plans that you two previously made, they may resent you for it.
They will hate the fact that they committed to you for the weekend and if this happens too often, they might also start to resent the relationship on the whole. You are going to have to give them a lot of space to figure out what they want.
10. They are a little selfish and you have to be selfless to complement it
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To a commitment phobe, their fears are the ones that matter the most. They will only look out for someone else after they’ve looked after themselves. You have to accept this; in fact, many times you will have to actively cover this up from others, and sometimes, even from yourself.
Suggested read: The seven deadly sins of dating and how to avoid them
Dating a commitment phobe is not the best thing to happen, but you are probably with them because you love them and you know that they love you. Admittedly, you cannot expect a normal relationship from them. If you have made it past the honeymoon period and not broken up with them already, you are in for a ride.
While they will bring excitement and energy, you should bring compromise, responsibility, and stability to counterbalance their unpredictability. It may get frustrating that they say they love you yet are not willing to fully give themselves to you. That frustration is okay; it’s healthy even.
If you are in a relationship with a commitment phobe, you are going to have to ensure that you have the endurance to hold it together and make it work. Otherwise, it is best to let it go and move on.
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